Lyrics

Did I ever really know you?

You act like you know me, in the mirror you look at

your reflection is all you really see. 

Not in focus. 

It’s clear you never chose us. 

It’s ok, 

cause I’m thriving 

living in the land of locusts.

This is why we cant have nice things. We dont take care of them. Take care of your things and you will have nice things.

   I have made it a goal to take care of myself. In the the past I have always thought that meant pampering oneself. but I have since learned that is not the case. Taking care of things that are important is how we have nice things that we value. I believe its exactly the same when it comes to taking care of our mind, body, and spirit.
   In an effort to take care of my mind, I finally sought out help. For the first time in my life I was completely honest with another person (two actually, My therapist and Devin) about what goes on in my head, how I feel and what to do about it. It feels so freeing. I have felt a definite push from the Lord to use my experience to help other people. I am growing.
   To take care of my body, this has been a challenge for me often, in the past. But wouldn't you know? once I seriously started to take care of my mind guess what followed very naturally? Taking care of my body. I saw my Dr about my blood pressure and through that discovered my good cholesterol is low. The only way I can bring it up is to get exercise regularly. He gave me pretty serious instructions about that, and it made it easier for me to follow them, having the goal be to bring up my good cholesterol rather then a number on the scale or even days or weeks of exercise. I have a goal to work out for at least 30 min today. Tomorrow I will have the same goal, and the next day the same thing. Breaking it up into one day at a time has made all the difference for me. If I miss my goal today I don't have to wait another 7 days to complete my goal of working out everyday. And guess what? I haven't missed a day in 10 days! I have lost 6 pounds. But that's not my goal. And my original intent in going to see a therapist wasn't even for me. It was to find someone for my kids. Turns out I actually need and want it.
   Taking care of my spirit is another positive byproduct of everything else I am doing. My goal this year is to take care of myself (that"s been my goal since I turned 30, three years ago) and to try my best to be Christ like. This directly relates to everything else. I didn't feel Christ like when I was filled with rage. On the outside I think I did a good job of faking it. But faking it is not in my belief like Jesus Christ at all. That's not to say I can't be human and have a bad day. I can and do. But being honest with myself and my family and taking the best care I can of myself seems more like honoring my God then pretending and insisting I am fine when I am not.

A new dawn

     Personal Revolution

Hope seeps in filling the space where anguish once resided.

     Each new day welcome and devoured, 

like mornings first rays of penetrating light.

               Beauty sprouts from tender cracks pain once ripped open,

      Exposing honesty and fresh perspective.

I will eventually write a sister poem to go along with that one. but I wanted to explain first.
I have gone through some pretty tough personal evaluation and discovery over the past two or so years and discovered I have been depressed for a very long time. I think at first possibly as a teenager I was able to find coping mechanisms. Some healthy, like good friends and some really not so healthy. over the years its come and gone. Some times sneaking up and crushing me at the peak of when I am doing my best to manage it. I am lucky to have a few specific people who know me so well that they can tell long before I can that something is up. and that support me in my every move. I was managing really well for probably the longest stretch in my life till sometime during my second pregnancy. I have always known this but reading back over my journals and blog about those years helped open my eyes. The biggest thing though was talking to the people closest to me over the past two years. I started to see that they knew me in their memory differently then I am now, but it seemed familiar. like the person they knew was a long lost friend I wanted to be like. I tried. don't get me wrong lots of good personal growth has come out of the last few years. but its also a time I am anxious to leave behind. And get in touch with the person who was inadvertently left behind and shouldn't have been. After Mikelle was born I was always angry and irritated. Occasionally I would have a good day but it took A LOT and was a rarity. I have since realized that is not reality. The world, My world is not actually horrible. I just couldn't see it clearly. I was looking at it through depression. It snuck its evil head in and got worse and worse over the years since then. For me depression does not make me feel sad and forlorn, or even make me cry. Instead I go from 0 to 60 real quick! I call it Red Mad. its rage. I want nothing more then to punch the wall and scream. Some times I would. I still feel sort of embarrassed about that. But the reason I am writing is because my therapist suggested it. Yup! I see a therapist, and I think its amazing and wonderful. I tried writing and it actually helps. And I couldn't let this poor blog sit there with all the depressed Tali stuff and never share the real Tali stuff that couldn't compete with the depression for the stage.
I am doing much better. I am managing it. I am not angry. I am mentally healthy and at peace.

I am writing again because....

Between two realities

A comfortable secure place
despite boiling turmoil
existed.

Denial.

Turmoil broke through replacing
My comfort with
darkness.

Drowning.

Anger, fear, anxiety, aggression
Bitter, pain, guilt
Shame.

Depression.


One Two Three Four
Five Six Seven
Eight.

Dark.

Years spent struggling with
That terrible dark
Reality.

Done.

   In every place I have lived that was not a rental, I have written on the walls at some point or another. Some times silly meaningless things and other times things I wanted to hide there for some unsuspecting person I imagined would find it later. Maybe it was a small motivational note, sometimes a confession, a poem or other times lyrics to songs I found meaning in. As a young girl it was on the Cow Shed with the chalk used on the milking cows udder, as a bit older it was on the inside of the dry wall in my room in Washington, then again as a bit older girl in my parents home in Salt Lake City, and again in Our first home we bought after we got married during the major kitchen overhaul, and now I am in a new home with an empty slate... What to write? where and when to write it? AH! So much pressure! not really. I am sure one day it will feel right. Just for now, please don't tell my kids! they seem to have already picked up on the habit and have not figured out how to do it inconspicuously. The only way to do it, is on the inside. They better not be taking my walls apart to do that! But if you know my Girls you probably know as well as I do its only a matter of time.
   I have written in a journal off and on, I use to really love that but now it takes more time to get into the zone and write freely then it does to just pick up my phone and write. I have oodles of lists and journal entries on my phone in the note pad.
   All my poetry that I wrote on paper years ago and kept is in a chest with a bunch of other important type papers. I "write" poems in my head all the time usually in the shower or driving and then they are gone by the time I can write.
I want to write poetry again. Or write it DOWN again.
   I am working on writing down my life story. It's unedited and not intended for public consumption. Mostly its my way of letting go of some things and processing others. As well as for my kids and husband to know everything I can remember about me, Maybe give them clues as to why I am the way I am and what my life was like, including the parts that don't involve them. They will get it when I have passed, and it will be up to them what they share and with whom.
   I always have words in my head. Always.
  

I FIXED IT!

I fixed it all by myself!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been missing my blog so bad and could not post and I fixed it. so there will be lots of updates and I doubt anyone reads tghis anymore, but if youe do i posted all the drafts I had writen and could not post.

Mothers day

well its that time of year again...........Mothers day. Honestly I use to dred it. as a child I felt sad that others were honering their mothers for always being there and I did not have that. Later I felt sad that some very near to me wanted to be a mother so badly and could not, and a bit later I was past my due date with my first child and wishing so badly that she would come out. Now I see that I am incredibly blessed to have many Mothers in my life who have been there for me, some of those who wanted to be a mothers and could not, now ARE mothers (my heart aches for those who desire that and still struggle) and I have had my third and final child. So I don't dred it any more, and I now see this time of year as a celebration of all women, who bless the lives of all around them and especially mine.

I do not wish to affend anyone, if I do please understand that this is my space to tell my story and you do not have to read it.

I believe that Motherhood is THE most Sacred calling. One that is both challanging and rewarding. I never knew befor just how much I would be stretched as a person when I had children, and not for a lack of being told. but it is true. These people who I have been gievn charge to care for, stretch me beyond the point that I think I can bare almost on a daily basis. I see what I can do in the eyes of my children. Being their mother is what makes me who I am. I wish to honor my children for making me a mother.

First, These are my thuoghts about my life, I am not judging yours. I have been thinking alot latly about what are things I do that are a weste of time and what are things I do that are not a waste, wrather are a worthy use of time, but maybe not if you look at what are other priorities. caring for my kids or listening to a freind. cleaning my house or giving attention to my children...that type of thing. not sure that makes sence. I saw a show about a lady who left her kids with her husband (eventually got devorced) to persue what she wanted because she felt it was more important and that she was being swallowed up in motherhood. she said she did not want to be a mother and wife any more....after 20 years. needless to say she has gotten ALOT of critisism about it. I say needless because she wrote a book and has saught publicity through interviews and I think no matter what you are doing if you do that people will have something to say about your choices, not to mention if it is something that people get all fired up about. my personal issues with that subject aside....It got me asking the question am I doing/ persuing what I want to? is the life I live the one I am chosing or chose. Or am I merly going along with it? and the answere to those questions are this. YES! I am actually doing what I always dreamed of and set goals along my life to help me achive that plan. is it hard, and I complain and some times I wonder what I was thinking. YES! The life I live is the one I CHOSE and CONTINUE to choose. and I don't do it blindly or because someone else told me to. I have studied it out extensivly and tryed my hardest to prepare for it. Do I still fall short? YUP! every single day. but like I just told lily who is learning about winning and losing. It is not the end that is the most important or even the best, its the game that matters, how you play that is what is important. I realized I would wrather lose myself or let me say that different, I would wrather become the service I am giving to others then create a master piece that is me. This applies to my family the most. I serve them because I love them. and when it comes to my kids, well I brought them into this world, I teach them and help them and will continue the rest of my life because I want to live my life so that they don't just hear, but see and feel that I love them. If they have nothing else in the world, they have a mother that loves them and will forever. I believe parents have a responsibility to the children they bring into this world.

Well the ward Christmas party was a success! or so everyone tells me. that is good to hear. we no longer have the calling and they still have not called us to something else. kind of nice and not at the same time. I like to have callings it gets me involved where other wise I would not be. and it get my family to church.

interview with lily

Thanks camilla and Mikki for the idea.

1. what do you like to be called. Jane, Lily.

2. what is your fav food. cheese burgers, hambergers, chicken nuggets. drink milk, fruit loops cereal.

3. fav thing to do. play my video game. its so great its so special. and my pillow pet, its a unicorn. its name is sally.

4. fav color pink and purple.

5. best friend, kodee, in my class at school. dacie, danica, and roxy are my fav cusins. best friend at church is aurora.

OH my gosh! I want to scream! see I am planning our ward christmas party, and well a few people have been really helpful, but.................most are not! and it really bothers me. I need someone to read the account of the birth of the savior from the book of Luke. I have asked so many people and still I have no one to read it. everyone wants to cook food, no one wants to help with the program. I should not say no one, because a few people have said yes, and then found out they wont be there or have to work, and a few very nice talented people are doing things, but seriously. I am so glad I only have to do this for the one activity. Christmas time gets so stressful. even though we are doing a very simple christmas with our own family, spending very little money, lots of free things as gifts, I had big plans for decorating, and instead I opted out to releive the stress and contention that would result from me getting after the girls to stop knocking the tree over (we did put it up, but it is very bare and we are putting the things the girls make on it.) Its just this ward party that is making me crazy. I wish this post was one with nice pictures and all and a good story, about how I feel all full of Christmas cheer.

Today I feel so discuraged. my only hope is that tomorrow is better. At least I am discuraged about my own lacking then my kids or something I cannot control. I just feel like once in a great while I do something really right and the rest of the time I do everything wrong or can't do it the way I want to. like making bread. I did it and it could have been great...but it was not. I over did it. I also managed to over cook cookies made from frozen cookie dough. I was on top of the laundry, I had a system down for like a week, then I got sick and now I can't get it the way I want it again and I don't know why. and my parenting. I think nothing induces guilt like parenting. I wonder if it is that way with everyone or just me. I feel really bad that I spank my kids. not because I think they should get away with inapropriate behavior, but because if I take the time and carefuly navigate the tantrums without spanking it is so much better, but I get overwhelmed, caught up in the chaos, upset, at a loss of what to do and I feel so bad. I remember very clearly the thoughts and feelings I had towards my parents when i was spanked. they were deffinatly not loving, and I did not feel they loved me then either. I don't want to be like them. I will be the first to say that it made me afraid, but did not teach me logic.

So I am not sure what is going on with me. and sometimes writing it out helps me organise my thoughts. But i feel strange. not myself. I have no desire for pretty much anything. well thats not really true. I feel great while i am working out, once the endorphins get flowing. but I have a lack of interest in most everything else. I

Taking care of me

I have been doing it. running. well I walk /jog but it feels great! I did 6 1/2 miles last week and hope to get in 10 this week. It would be nice if the weight would come off fast so i can keep my motivation and see results soon, but I am not counting on it. I am trying to injoy that fact that it still feels good and I feel happy while I am doing it. I feel good because I am making a real effort to take care of myself physicaly and spiritually. trying to get exersize and eat well/ stay hydrated and figure out why I am so tired all the time. plus I am studying the gospel, reading the scriptures and praying on a regular basis. It feels good, and I am enjoying myself.

I DID IT!!!!!! I went and walked/ran around liberty park. I did three miles! It felt SO good. I put Natalie and kelle in the stroller, I wish I had a running stroller but I do not so mine was sufficient.

Oh how I want to lose weight..... It is one of those things I want so bad but can't seem get past my own mind and make it happen.

Lily Loves school! I am so glad she is going. Her teacher tells me she is a natural born leader. Mikelle has attempted the potty a few times and then deserts it till she is ready to try again, days or weeks later. Natalie is getting so big I can't believe it. she has out grown all of her clothes. she smiles, laughes and coes at me alot.

Its hard not getting enough sleep. its hard on everyone in the family. My kids esp this past week. I am so tired I forget things that are really important to them. I never wanted to do that. I also lose my temper way too fast, and they don't understand why. I cry alot and that makes them cry when they see me crying. Nat is has colic and every night till after midnight. now to make things even worse for her she has a cold. she can't breath through her nose. It worries me so much. So even when she is sleeping I am checking on her constatntly. I don;t feel like myself latly. I feel liek I am moving in extreem slow motion. and I feel........uhg about everything because it takes too much energy. I am not eating very well because well who has time? but also because most good things make natalie throw up or have gas. I would bottle feed if she would take it. but she wont.

I love good days!

Another good day. Natalie slept for 9 hours last night! we all had naps, spent some time with my hubby, not too much fighting or complaining from my kids, and they went to bed without a fight..............the only sad thing is that the older two are sick abd feverish. but its made them sleepy and cuddly so as long as they get better, i have no complaints. ahhhh. i love good days.

a good day..

I have to make this post so anyone who still reads this will know... i do still have good days, i do still love my children and i am not a horrible mother all the time. I got a full nights rest last night so I am sure that counts for a lot of this. but today i have kept my cool for the intire duration of what turned out to be a 45 min full blown tantrum from mikelle, while getting all three kids into the car, delivering stuff to halley, picking up another child dropping off the two at school, getting my remaining two children back in the car, going to mandies to hang out, then picking up Lily, grace and her sister Alyvia and brought them all to my house to play and made choc chip cookies and watched a movie. and it has been good. not too stressful and actually pretty fun. now to have dinner with Jen and amy's families and call it a day!