My Lily!

more of my thoughts...

right now the baby is very active and I feel like telling her, "if there is enough room in there to play around, then you jolly well can move head down." But it is so cute, I can see her little parts and big parts right around my belly button. thats really all the distinction I can make. She is so cute to me though. I really am so excited to have her. I hope that I can be a mommy of two. some days it is all I can do to keep up with one. hopefuly I will grow and my capabilities will as well. because as much as I hate being pregnant I know I want more then two children.
Lily was so cute today! We played together lots! she wanted me to play with her more then usual. And it was fun. most days she likes to do some things by her self and she wont let me touch what ever it is she is doing. but not today. she kept me busy. It was nice. We colored and read books and played with her blocks and her new table. Now she is behaving badly because she is sleepy and went to sleep early and woke up early. she usually goes to bed at 10 but she fell asleep at 9 and woke up a few minutes ago. Devin has been so nice, he has done all the bed time stuff for the past few days.
tomorow I may have my sink and dosh washer hooked up. and if that gets done they may even get all the molding in, witch means we can get a stove and as soon as we get it we can hook it up. but the stove we may have to wait for a little while just because they may not have the one we want in stock. But I really hope they do. That would be so SWEET! no more stairs!!!!! well any way I was bored so I figured I would write. I guess Devin got lily back to sleep and he is bored like me. So I want to go hang out with my husbend. I'll probobly talk his ear off. oh well.

Another depressing Ob visit....

So how do I put this? oh how bout this, my baby is transverse (side to side) and WAY up high. in other words, not in the labor position and not in any hurry to change. she is getting big enough that the chance of her moving head down is unlikely. since I had a previouse c section they can't manipulate her from the out side because of the danger it poses to the incision. IF I were to have spontaneouse labor and she was transverse and way up high it would be dangerouse for her and me. If we wait and see if she turns, the longer we wait the bigger she gets and the less likely she is to turn. And given my history, I am not likely to have spontaneouse labor, especially if the baby is not putting pressure on the cervix or anything. Do you see the hidden message yet? If not let me spell it out....C-SECTION!
She will check next week to see if the baby has turned, If she has not then we have to schedual the surgery, and will probobly do it at 40 weeks, if she has not and I am dialating for some freakish reason then we need to schedual the surgery for 39 weeks to avoid spontaneous labor where she is still transverse. IF she has moved down and her head is down then we will continue to go ahead and see IF I can go into labor by my self. each appointment I feel more and more discuraged about that even happening.
I have been trying to tell myself that maybe its good that I have all c section births because maybe labor would be bad. notthat its good for anyone, but I mean maybe there would be irreversable consequences, to either me or the baby. So the c section is the safest route for us. I feel like I should be greatful that we have that procedure, for otherwise I may not be able to HAVE my babies. But I am not sure if that is just me trying to make myself feel better or if it is actually the case. I guess it does not matter witch one it is. Except that it kind of helps to change my attitude about the whole thing. well, actually right now I am still upset and frustrated and even a little angry. but once this passes I think that it will help me to feel better about it. Why do I fight it so bad? does it really matter weather you come into this world through the birth canal or a slit in your mothers stumach? And no one is giving out medals for either one. as Barbara pointed out. I do how ever feel a sence of failiar, like as if I trained and worked out and tryed to climb a mountain and then just befor reaching the last part befor the top, the very steepest part, I paid some extreem price and took the tram. then everyone is asking how the last part went and I feel like walking away with my head down because my pride is what I paid.

Our Christmas Eve has been eventful..

Although it is still christmas eve, and we could still be up for a few hours since lily thinks she is not tired and is fighting bed time bad, I wish i could go to sleep. Eventful, is what I am calling this one. I went to mandies to get some help with a quilt I am making this morning, when we got home inthe after noon, all the snow was melting and the sun was shinning away. Devin made the comment that it was amazing how it was all melting and by tonight it would be storming again. or somehting like that. so we go inside put lily to bed for her nap and he started to help me tie the quilt. we look out the window like a ahlf hour later and its a blizzard practically. I have wanted a white christmas where it snowed on christmas for SOOOO long. I was so excited. When lily woke up we had to run to the store and get a few little things on our way to mandies for the family dinner. so we pack her up, I decided to run in my self since it was snowing to beat the band. on my way out, theres this kid that works there gather carts, but he's right out side the door. he was watching these three guys (I think hispanic) huddled together talking. the kid looks at me and gives me this nod, that I think meant either "I am aware they are creepy, or "get going, I have my eye on them." something like that. So I start walking fast to the car wear Devin and lily were. two of the guys walk off and say somehting to ther third guy, and he says "no". and stays standing where they were talking. as soon and I get past him, he starts to walk briskly behind me. He was following me. So the kid with the carts follows him. I got to the car and went to Devins window, he rolled it down I said "this guy is following me." So the guy walks behind our car and comes around to the side where I was standing. I went to go to the other side and he went back behind the car to the side I was on. So then I motion to devin to get out of the car, and I went back to his side and the guy does it again. but he noticed that Devin got out of the car, and then takes off walking accross the parking lot away from us. It FREAKED me out! I have felt like I was being followed before, and the person usually turns and goes a different way then me, and I realize it was just me being paranoid. but this guy was trying to get me. I know he was, Devin knows he was, and so did the kid with the cart. I was pushing a cart with egg nog, salad, butter and a car snow brush in it. nothing fancy. I did have Devins wallet in my hand though, and I am not the likely one to be able to run really fast. I was likght out side and the parking lot was full with people coming and going. But because thankfuly nothing came of it, I don't know exactly what he wanted. And I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder what he was going to do. What I should have done different. Or what I can do to avoid that ever happening again. I go over it again and again in my mind. I know thats not good, because I am essentially going through it over and over. So I figured since I have this blog, and it usually helps me if I write about things, that I would.
Then we get on our way to dinner and we took the free way. But it was really bad, so devin decides to get off the free way and take state street. well he turned before state street on some back street, I asked him if it was because he thught state would be bad too and he did not say anything really. he just kind of said "I don't know". or something like that. we were driving along and there was this car up ahead of us, Devin kept plenty of distance so he could stop if he needed to. we go around the corner and that car had slif off the road into a big ditch and was tilted so far the if the other side of the ditch was not therem it would have rolled. They just slid off right before we rounded the carner. We pulled up next to them, and I rolled down the window. we did not have a tow rope but we had a cell phone so we could call a tow truck if they needed us to. It was a really nice lady, named rosemarie and her daughter who was pretty shaken up. but they were safe. So we had them come get in our car while she called her husbend. come to find out they were going home, and live right by mandie. So we said we would take them home and her husbend said he would come dig the car out when the storm died down. She was so pleasent. we talked all the rest of the way. A really nice family. I hope they have a merry Christmas. It seems so stange to me that we were there when we were. Another car came along but hey were full and also did not have a rope.They would have been no help. and after that while we sat there for a few minutes deciding waht to do. no other cars came along. It is so obviouse to me that the spirit was guiding us every step of the way. down to the very smallest thing, timing.
Well thats really all I have to say. I am thankful for the spirit. Merry Christmas Everyone!

36 weeks!

I had my first of my weekly appointments yesterday. thats when they do the strep B test and they start to check you every week. I tryed SO hard not to get my hopes up that something, anything, would be happening. Well, NOTHING is happening. completly closed! Normally thats not a bad thing yet, because I am only 36 weeks. but most people are not worried that it will never happen. no matter how hard I try not to think about it, I still do. I think I will end up making it to and having the c section. why can't I just be normal? thats how it works. And has since the beginning of man. I am greatful that medicine has advanced enough that I can have my baby and the chances of us both living through it is %99.9. I am freaked out to have a c section still, and freaked out to have a vaginal delivery, because I don't know what thats like, and because I do know what the c section is like. I wanted to cry yesterday when she told me that I was closed. she tryed to reasure me that there is plenty of time for that to change, but I don't believe it will. rrrrrg! I think that is why I am so frustrated with people asking me when I will have the baby. because I DON"T KNOW!

I am not doing very good at this.

SO I meant to post pictures and all sorts of stuff like thora and camilla, but I just never even go to my blog. I have to admit its because I am not really sure how to use it.
Well I am now as huge as a house! Soren made sure I knew it was just a baby house. witch made me feel good. because latly I get so annoyed with going places. When ever I see someone I know (or actually strangers in line at walmart too), at church or even a family member, all they have to say to me is something about how big I am or asking me if/when I am going to have "that baby", or I look miserable, or like I am "about to pop." I have such a hard time smiling and saying something back, that is not totalyy sarchastic. Its as if they expect they are the first person to say that. Or they have no idea that they are actually the 500th person to say it. I just want people to ignore the fact that I am pregnant when they talk to me. And talk to me about something else. Its not the only thing I do all day. Its just the most obviouse one.
So in other news, my kitchen is coming along wonderfully. I really like it. I did not think I had the ability to make things match or look right in decorating. And actually, it was Devin. He picked the floor and the counter tops, and they are two of my favorite things. He wants to get a new staove, and I was reluctant at first but I agreed that is we did I would attemt to learn to cook or at least bake. He is right, why do we have a brand new kitchen if we are not going to use it? I just hope it is all done very soon. But it is coming along. I love my husbend. He does so mcuh for me! And last night he told me as we were falling asleep, that he loves me with all my faults and flaws too, because they help me up who I am. And he Loves me. That was so sweet! I needed to hear that. It was the last thing I remember before falling asleep.
Lily is almost 19 months old! I can't believe it. she is so big. Some times she is such a good girl too! I love how she follows instructions, and talks so much! She likes to tease. We play on the floor and wrestle, and she just does the funniest things. like she will lay on my back and pull my shirt up and blow. and laugh her head off. She likes to sit on your head if you lay on the floor. I think its because its the perfect hight for her. but it cracks me up. I love my Jane!