All or nothing

Right now I feel like I need all or nothin. basicly in referance to my spiritual life, my marriage, my children and my parenting, and those all flow together so much that they are virtually impossible to separate. For example, I feel a need to be closer to the spirit. but just increasing my thoughts about spiritual things will not suffice. I need to be completly imersed. I think it is this way all the time. or should be, but that just means that if I let one thing slip I let it all slip and I then fall into the "nothin" catagory. I don' t like this about myself, because it also means that if I need to make changes or improvments I get overwhelmed very easily and then I quit. I think I am just a very weak soul with little self restriant or control. I resist control a lot. that would be a large understatement if you were to ask my parents. never the less it is true, I also really like the freedom to be spontaneuos. I am not a schedual orianted person. well mostly not so much when it is someone elses schedual. I like to be in control of my own spontanuity. problem with that is I have to deal with other peoples scheduals and they don't usually read my mind very well, so they are always off from my non-schedualed spontanious schedual. (grin)This creates a lot of frustration for me. there are three things I have found so far about parenting that are HUGE frustrations to me.
sleeping......and not sleeping. Did you know if a child does not want to sleep, there is really no way to force them to? I know it seems like there must be a way, but theres not. oh there is always the little sneaky things people do like giving the kid a dose of benidril (cough couch...they have a spider bite that is as big as their head), it will make them sleepy mostly likely. but...if they are my kid chances are they are sleepy already. they are just more stubern the sleepy. and no matter how sleepy they get, they can always get more stubbern. Where there's a will theres a way. Just trust me on that one. I may or may not have tryed it. and once you finaly knock em out, they still get you by not allowing you to sleep, no matter how tired you are. yup thats my little sweeties!
eating.......oh there are many frustrations with that one. almost too many to count. It is not limited to eating or not eating enough. it includes, where we put our food, in our mouth or on the floor. if we swallow it after we chew it or if we just chew it and spit it out on the floor. if we can keep it down once we swallow it, what we eat when we eat, and drink, what we use to eat and drink our food, who is feeding them, and what they are giving them. I just realised I included myself in those issues, but I assure you I have no problems with my eating habbits. however Lily would tell you another story. she does not like me to eat things she does not want herself. I know weird.
Potty training........I have to say that I have been really blessed with this one with lily so far. she is basicly potty trained. so it is not frustrating to me for the typical reasons. it is frustrating to me because that is one thing, that if you are going to teach a kid to do it, you have to be patiant, you have to be schedualed and you have to be right there on top of it. I am not schedualed and the thing that frustrates me about it is that sometimes and about half the times that she has an accident, it is my fault. that makes me frustrated with myself. I do tell her I am sorry that I did not get there intime, or appologise for what ever it was, and I am really trying to be extremely patient, so she does not see my frustration. SHe does a good job. Still very frustrating to me.
the spiritual part of the all or nothing feeling is this. I don't feel the spirit easily unless I am complelty immerssed in the gospel. Attening the temple, studying the gospel on my own daily for a good hour or more, it takes me that long to understand and feel like I have made connections, going to church, surrounding myself with it constantly. The only time I have had the time to do all of that was when I was only working and preparing for a mission, or on my mission. I still have to do all the other things too.
I'm getting the idea that I hold myself to too high of an expectation. But here is the tricky thing about it. I don't feel happy when I only do a little. or some. I do feel happy when I succesfully do all of it. oh that feeling of control and accomplishment is so.....uephoric(sp). the times when everything is done, I have done all the things I need/want to do, have been pure joy. I know the whole bit about how we are not perfect, and so we are continually working......but those two times where I was really doing it all, or doing everything I should be,man the other things I needed to work on, because there still were plenty, seemed so much more managable. and I could increase my effort still, and did. But why not now? Now it seems like I never do all the things I need to and just adding more effort is overwhelming.

I am decluttering, or trying to. I got about half the toys gone, fridge mostly cleaned OFF, and am attacking the closets next. they are scary! so I will let you know if I have stuff to give away. I really just want to go through my house and start chucking stuff but if i do that without care I will end up chucking really important things that will have to be replaced or cannot be replaced. But i really want to get ride of all our junk. we have SO much of it. reduce, re-use, recycle. but mostly reduce!

I am so unmotivated, indecisive, tired, worn out, sleepy. A few weeks ago I was gettin crap done. I was weeding in the garden everyday, doing yard work alone with both kids out there with me, and even though there were a few days that I did not want to do it, I forced myself and once I got out there and got working I was in a grrove and would just go and go. fast forward to last week sometime. I all teh sudden lost all drive to do anything, I am so tired all day that I could sleep at any moment givin the chance, and I have everyday for over a week. at at not good times. Not just when the girls are both asleep. I can't seem to get the drive to go take the laundry down stairs and get it started let alone get out side and DO stuff. granted till today it has been rainy. but even today i went out there and the smallest amount of weeds were overwhelming and depressing. Why pull them they will kist come back. uhg. and i cannot shake this sleepiness, and overall my body is tired and has no energy, no matter how much i sleep or what i eat. grrr.