I will eventually write a sister poem to go along with that one. but I wanted to explain first.
I have gone through some pretty tough personal evaluation and discovery over the past two or so years and discovered I have been depressed for a very long time. I think at first possibly as a teenager I was able to find coping mechanisms. Some healthy, like good friends and some really not so healthy. over the years its come and gone. Some times sneaking up and crushing me at the peak of when I am doing my best to manage it. I am lucky to have a few specific people who know me so well that they can tell long before I can that something is up. and that support me in my every move. I was managing really well for probably the longest stretch in my life till sometime during my second pregnancy. I have always known this but reading back over my journals and blog about those years helped open my eyes. The biggest thing though was talking to the people closest to me over the past two years. I started to see that they knew me in their memory differently then I am now, but it seemed familiar. like the person they knew was a long lost friend I wanted to be like. I tried. don't get me wrong lots of good personal growth has come out of the last few years. but its also a time I am anxious to leave behind. And get in touch with the person who was inadvertently left behind and shouldn't have been. After Mikelle was born I was always angry and irritated. Occasionally I would have a good day but it took A LOT and was a rarity. I have since realized that is not reality. The world, My world is not actually horrible. I just couldn't see it clearly. I was looking at it through depression. It snuck its evil head in and got worse and worse over the years since then. For me depression does not make me feel sad and forlorn, or even make me cry. Instead I go from 0 to 60 real quick! I call it Red Mad. its rage. I want nothing more then to punch the wall and scream. Some times I would. I still feel sort of embarrassed about that. But the reason I am writing is because my therapist suggested it. Yup! I see a therapist, and I think its amazing and wonderful. I tried writing and it actually helps. And I couldn't let this poor blog sit there with all the depressed Tali stuff and never share the real Tali stuff that couldn't compete with the depression for the stage.
I am doing much better. I am managing it. I am not angry. I am mentally healthy and at peace.