variuose thoughts feelings and hormones from my head...

It is good to not be pregnant any more. i can eat drink, snuggle up to devin and even reach the sink! go me! I admit i don't remember getting this little sleep at night with lily. granted that does not mean it did not happen.
i am holding mikelle right now, she is so precious!i love my family! I have to admit, well i don't have to, but i will because it stood out to me as something i did not expect. and that is, with all the joy (no pun intended) with mikelles birth and the many other emotions that accompny it. one is almost grief. like loss. that loss is the way it was with just us and lily jane. Not that I wish in any way not to have both my girls, and more in a few years. but the way it was and the fact that the relationship we had as a family now does not exist. it includes another person. its like when your little and your best friend gets another best friend and wants the three of you to be best friends but you don't want to share....sort of. that is the best i can do to discribe it. I feel sad for lily jane because her whole world was turned upside down, and she does not understand it. It actually makes me cry for her. i guess thats mostly hormones. and its probobly a good thing she is young enough she will never remember the way it was.
speaking of hormones mikelle has the same menstrating like stuff as lily did. only more! I talked to the dr. about it and showed her, and she was surprised. she said its common, like probobly one in 20 girl babies do that. but she has never seen siblings both have it. she said i must be a really hormonal woman. well, that would be a major understatement. and it has never been more apparent to me then after i had a baby. The good news is, she's fine. its normal, and it will go away. still it is so strange to have your 6 day old little girl menstrating.
Devin is so good to me! he handles my emotionalness and all my crying so well. and trust me there is alot of it. I love him SO much. While I was in the hospital I was so lonely for him. I wanted to fall asleep talking to him on the phone like when we were dating. We were talking on the phone one night and I needed to go to sleep. we both found it funny that we were stalling hanging up the phone even though we had nothing really to talk about. He really is my favorit person. I would call him my best friend, but most of my married readers would probobly agree that best friend does not cut it. A spouse is greater then a best friend. Even when you get in fights you could not be happy without that person. And friends come and go, yet we still find happiness when a freind moves on. Thats how I feel any way. I wish everyone had that kind of a marriage, but sadly, I know they don't.
last night I was nursing Mikelle on the couch and lily was watching a movie. when i put Mikelle down lily climbed right into my lap and snuggled up. That is how she fell asleep. It was SO nice! How is it possible to love more then one person so much? I don't understand it. But I do, love both of my girls SO much! Lily is getting so big. she is so smart. And so funny too! What a charictor! And I can't wait to see what Mikelle is like. Right now she is really snuggly. I love to snuggle them both. I feel so blessed when we all snuggle. Like I have the world. I think I do!

I am reading...

So I know that this is totally uncharictoristic of me. But i have a book that I am reading, thatI love. Its not a novel, and is actually really short. Maybe studying would be a better word. Its called 21 days closer to Christ. It presents ideas to think about scripture verses to read and such, in a 21 days journy. I am taking longer then 21 days to read it because I read the chapter one day, then I read the verses another and write/think about the ideas for thought on another day. But it is SO good. It was writen by Emily Freeman, and has lots of beautiful at by Simon Dewey. At the end of each chapter it has an invitation like today it is "Discover" then the Journey...todays is..."Try to discover in every hour,some heavenly blessing that will bring you closer to Christ. A treasure, Gods Gold." So today at this moment, "Gods Gold", is my friend and sister Mandie. She came over for a few hours and I really injoyed it. She played with the girls and talked to me. I was not lonly. She is a blessing in my life.
I think why I love this book so much is because it is very interactive. Its actually only 135 pages long, but it is as if i have to digest each chapter (all three pages) and the digestion is the part where I get the most out of it. I LOVE it! Devin got it for me for Christmas.
Everyone is trying to et me to read this series of books about vampires. but the hting is I am not a reader. I don't injoy it. I would way wrather have somehting interactive, like a friend to tell me stories about themself or somehting like that. I remember on my mission while we were driving or tracting or doing some other thing that was mostly boring because its with the same person all the time. In many of my companionships we would tell about our life. A story about something that happend or something that made us the way we are. I really loved those times. but I loved the times where I was listening more then when I was telling. And I came to love those companions so much, deeper then others (only two) who for thier different reasons would not open up.
Any way, I am reading and I am injoying it. So this is good.

Happy due date to me!

It is 5:30 am, and I can't sleep. I have been awake for about an hour and a half. Big suprise! I am SOOO thirsty! to date I have had two 32 oz bottles of water just throughout the night, and I am working on my third as I type. My mouth is SO dry and I just want that cold wet feeling in my mouth every second. You would think the problem with this would be needing to go to the bath room every 20 minutes, but its not. I only have to go every hour to hour and a half. The problem is, the water is giving me heart burn. but nothing helps it. So I can't sleep. Also , I lay awake and day dream about not being PG any more, and then I start to imagine the birth and it keeps me awake too.I go through it over and over again in my head. Both if I have a vaginal birth or a c section. and I try and picture her too. I just want to hold her sooo bad! I try to take comfert in the fact that this time next week I will be holdong her, I wont be PG any more, and I will be able to eat and drink and not get heart burn from a sip of water. I am so tired though. I wish I could sleep.

What camilla and thora did....and I am bored also.

plus it was fun to go read my journal from 10 years ago and 5 years ago.

ten years ago....I was 16 a sophmore at East High. I pretty much hated everyone and everything, except for boys. I worked at golden swirl, and made 5 something an hour. I was trying to move out of my parents house. I bounced back and forth between Matt English as my boy friend and liking winslow burton (althugh we did not date). I have to admit I had to look in my journals to see what I was doing. I was a pretty angry kid at that time. How sad!
five years ago... much different story. I lived with My sisters Mandie and Camilla, and some other room mates, in a house on 11th east. I was dating Andrew Davies, but would not committ because I was writing Devin on his mission, preparing to go on my mission, struggling to get my teeth pulled, and paid for. I worked for sand star family entertainment. I made $8.00 an hour. I was really happy.
one year ago, I had been married to devin for a year and a half, lily was 8 months old and learning to crawl and furniture walk. We had been in our home for a year. I worked at America First credit union and devin worked for sygnus. All I wanted was to be home wth my baby and devin to have a job he did not dispise. three months later my wish came true.
yesterday, I sat around all day miserably pregnant and huge. Mandie brought her girls and they played with lily. And I wished my baby would come out. lily went to bed at 9ish and that was nice.
five foods I love...pasta,fresh fruit, fresh veggies, yogurt with frozen fruit,candie.
five things I would do if I had a million dollars...buy my dream home,hire maids to clean it, set up our retirement, pay for peoples missions, pay for Devin and all my kids to go to school.
five places I would like to go....Alaska, canada, east coast usa, All the church historicle sites, and any where in a huge rich hotel.
five things I hate doing...Cleaning, cooking, fighting, massaging people for free when they are hinting that they want me to(oh my neck hurts so bad, can you just...)grocery shopping, and spending money in general because it makes me sick to my stumach.
five of my greatest joys...watching lily grow, playing with her, spending time with my husband, my relationship with my siblings, my new book "21 days closer to Christ".

Emotions and the lack of energy to care....

Today has been a really hard day. I slept like crap last night, and did nothing all day today with the exception of cook some hamburger (ground turkey) for tacos. pretty much the same story yesterday. and the same tomorrow. It probobly sounds like I was being sarchastic when i said its been a hard day. I'm not. I have 0 energy. but can't sleep because I can't get comfertable. I want to lay on the bed with my eyes closed all day. But poor lily has energy, and lots of it, and she wants to play. Roxy and summer and mandie did a good job of playing with her for a few hours today. Those kids are so darn cute! for some reason I feel sort of sad, sort discuraged, sort of angry, and completly exausted! Too tired to do something about it, like cry or yell. I need to clean up dinner start the dishwasher, pick up the front room, fold and put away the laundry. that last one has to get done befor i can go to bed because my bed is underneath it all. If I were rich I would pay some one who needed a job to clean my house. tomorrow is my appointment. I don't even have the energy to be excited about that. I better go get started on that bed, so I can attempt to sleep.

Last night was so fun!

I am excited for my baby to come. I wish i could go out with everyone more often. I had a really good time. well till I got home and had a head ache fromteh dumb waiter who hit me in the head. but I went to sleep and it went away. Thank you to all of you who came, Amy, camilla, Mandie Halley, eva sylvia, mara, katrina and joanna. It helped me to get dressed up and go out. When you get the size I am, its a chore to shower and get dressed, but once I did (and it took me like two hours, even though I did not do anything special) I felt so much happier. it was nice.
tonight I got dressed again...(I know two nights ina row) and Devin and I had a date. his mom watched lily, and we stayed home a cooked dinner, and then had another couple come over to eat, they brought dessert and we played some games. we would have gone out but money does not permit it, so we made fajitas frm what we have. It was so fun to cook together listening to music, without having to tag team between lily and the food. She was an honory grouch when grandma picked her up, and happy as a lamb when she came home. so that was even better. Not that I don't like to spend time with her, but it was SO nice to have the time to be together just as a couple. We rarely do that. I hope we can do that more often, but I know it will be unlikely because my baby will be brand new. oh well it was nice for today. I am off to bed.

I have good news!!!!

The Dr said I have a favorable cervix. It seems funny to me that i would even be comfertable mentioning that body part to anyone, let alone that people who don't know me could read this, but I actually don't care. The baby is HEAD DOWN! and my cervix is softening and thining! Not dialated, but that is what happens after the softening and thining. So we can proceed to attempt a VBAC. I still am only going to wait till 41 weeks, and even if we make it to 41 weeks we wont do induction. but she still did not schedual the c section for 41 weeks, instead said we will see how things look next week, and if I am still PG we will go from there. I am so stinkin happy even though I know I could still end up having a c section. I am just glad that there is a chance, there is still a hope. Happy day!