Mothers day

well its that time of year again...........Mothers day. Honestly I use to dred it. as a child I felt sad that others were honering their mothers for always being there and I did not have that. Later I felt sad that some very near to me wanted to be a mother so badly and could not, and a bit later I was past my due date with my first child and wishing so badly that she would come out. Now I see that I am incredibly blessed to have many Mothers in my life who have been there for me, some of those who wanted to be a mothers and could not, now ARE mothers (my heart aches for those who desire that and still struggle) and I have had my third and final child. So I don't dred it any more, and I now see this time of year as a celebration of all women, who bless the lives of all around them and especially mine.

I do not wish to affend anyone, if I do please understand that this is my space to tell my story and you do not have to read it.

I believe that Motherhood is THE most Sacred calling. One that is both challanging and rewarding. I never knew befor just how much I would be stretched as a person when I had children, and not for a lack of being told. but it is true. These people who I have been gievn charge to care for, stretch me beyond the point that I think I can bare almost on a daily basis. I see what I can do in the eyes of my children. Being their mother is what makes me who I am. I wish to honor my children for making me a mother.

First, These are my thuoghts about my life, I am not judging yours. I have been thinking alot latly about what are things I do that are a weste of time and what are things I do that are not a waste, wrather are a worthy use of time, but maybe not if you look at what are other priorities. caring for my kids or listening to a freind. cleaning my house or giving attention to my children...that type of thing. not sure that makes sence. I saw a show about a lady who left her kids with her husband (eventually got devorced) to persue what she wanted because she felt it was more important and that she was being swallowed up in motherhood. she said she did not want to be a mother and wife any more....after 20 years. needless to say she has gotten ALOT of critisism about it. I say needless because she wrote a book and has saught publicity through interviews and I think no matter what you are doing if you do that people will have something to say about your choices, not to mention if it is something that people get all fired up about. my personal issues with that subject aside....It got me asking the question am I doing/ persuing what I want to? is the life I live the one I am chosing or chose. Or am I merly going along with it? and the answere to those questions are this. YES! I am actually doing what I always dreamed of and set goals along my life to help me achive that plan. is it hard, and I complain and some times I wonder what I was thinking. YES! The life I live is the one I CHOSE and CONTINUE to choose. and I don't do it blindly or because someone else told me to. I have studied it out extensivly and tryed my hardest to prepare for it. Do I still fall short? YUP! every single day. but like I just told lily who is learning about winning and losing. It is not the end that is the most important or even the best, its the game that matters, how you play that is what is important. I realized I would wrather lose myself or let me say that different, I would wrather become the service I am giving to others then create a master piece that is me. This applies to my family the most. I serve them because I love them. and when it comes to my kids, well I brought them into this world, I teach them and help them and will continue the rest of my life because I want to live my life so that they don't just hear, but see and feel that I love them. If they have nothing else in the world, they have a mother that loves them and will forever. I believe parents have a responsibility to the children they bring into this world.

Well the ward Christmas party was a success! or so everyone tells me. that is good to hear. we no longer have the calling and they still have not called us to something else. kind of nice and not at the same time. I like to have callings it gets me involved where other wise I would not be. and it get my family to church.

interview with lily

Thanks camilla and Mikki for the idea.

1. what do you like to be called. Jane, Lily.

2. what is your fav food. cheese burgers, hambergers, chicken nuggets. drink milk, fruit loops cereal.

3. fav thing to do. play my video game. its so great its so special. and my pillow pet, its a unicorn. its name is sally.

4. fav color pink and purple.

5. best friend, kodee, in my class at school. dacie, danica, and roxy are my fav cusins. best friend at church is aurora.

OH my gosh! I want to scream! see I am planning our ward christmas party, and well a few people have been really helpful, but.................most are not! and it really bothers me. I need someone to read the account of the birth of the savior from the book of Luke. I have asked so many people and still I have no one to read it. everyone wants to cook food, no one wants to help with the program. I should not say no one, because a few people have said yes, and then found out they wont be there or have to work, and a few very nice talented people are doing things, but seriously. I am so glad I only have to do this for the one activity. Christmas time gets so stressful. even though we are doing a very simple christmas with our own family, spending very little money, lots of free things as gifts, I had big plans for decorating, and instead I opted out to releive the stress and contention that would result from me getting after the girls to stop knocking the tree over (we did put it up, but it is very bare and we are putting the things the girls make on it.) Its just this ward party that is making me crazy. I wish this post was one with nice pictures and all and a good story, about how I feel all full of Christmas cheer.

Today I feel so discuraged. my only hope is that tomorrow is better. At least I am discuraged about my own lacking then my kids or something I cannot control. I just feel like once in a great while I do something really right and the rest of the time I do everything wrong or can't do it the way I want to. like making bread. I did it and it could have been great...but it was not. I over did it. I also managed to over cook cookies made from frozen cookie dough. I was on top of the laundry, I had a system down for like a week, then I got sick and now I can't get it the way I want it again and I don't know why. and my parenting. I think nothing induces guilt like parenting. I wonder if it is that way with everyone or just me. I feel really bad that I spank my kids. not because I think they should get away with inapropriate behavior, but because if I take the time and carefuly navigate the tantrums without spanking it is so much better, but I get overwhelmed, caught up in the chaos, upset, at a loss of what to do and I feel so bad. I remember very clearly the thoughts and feelings I had towards my parents when i was spanked. they were deffinatly not loving, and I did not feel they loved me then either. I don't want to be like them. I will be the first to say that it made me afraid, but did not teach me logic.

So I am not sure what is going on with me. and sometimes writing it out helps me organise my thoughts. But i feel strange. not myself. I have no desire for pretty much anything. well thats not really true. I feel great while i am working out, once the endorphins get flowing. but I have a lack of interest in most everything else. I