interview with lily

Thanks camilla and Mikki for the idea.

1. what do you like to be called. Jane, Lily.

2. what is your fav food. cheese burgers, hambergers, chicken nuggets. drink milk, fruit loops cereal.

3. fav thing to do. play my video game. its so great its so special. and my pillow pet, its a unicorn. its name is sally.

4. fav color pink and purple.

5. best friend, kodee, in my class at school. dacie, danica, and roxy are my fav cusins. best friend at church is aurora.

OH my gosh! I want to scream! see I am planning our ward christmas party, and well a few people have been really helpful, but.................most are not! and it really bothers me. I need someone to read the account of the birth of the savior from the book of Luke. I have asked so many people and still I have no one to read it. everyone wants to cook food, no one wants to help with the program. I should not say no one, because a few people have said yes, and then found out they wont be there or have to work, and a few very nice talented people are doing things, but seriously. I am so glad I only have to do this for the one activity. Christmas time gets so stressful. even though we are doing a very simple christmas with our own family, spending very little money, lots of free things as gifts, I had big plans for decorating, and instead I opted out to releive the stress and contention that would result from me getting after the girls to stop knocking the tree over (we did put it up, but it is very bare and we are putting the things the girls make on it.) Its just this ward party that is making me crazy. I wish this post was one with nice pictures and all and a good story, about how I feel all full of Christmas cheer.

Today I feel so discuraged. my only hope is that tomorrow is better. At least I am discuraged about my own lacking then my kids or something I cannot control. I just feel like once in a great while I do something really right and the rest of the time I do everything wrong or can't do it the way I want to. like making bread. I did it and it could have been great...but it was not. I over did it. I also managed to over cook cookies made from frozen cookie dough. I was on top of the laundry, I had a system down for like a week, then I got sick and now I can't get it the way I want it again and I don't know why. and my parenting. I think nothing induces guilt like parenting. I wonder if it is that way with everyone or just me. I feel really bad that I spank my kids. not because I think they should get away with inapropriate behavior, but because if I take the time and carefuly navigate the tantrums without spanking it is so much better, but I get overwhelmed, caught up in the chaos, upset, at a loss of what to do and I feel so bad. I remember very clearly the thoughts and feelings I had towards my parents when i was spanked. they were deffinatly not loving, and I did not feel they loved me then either. I don't want to be like them. I will be the first to say that it made me afraid, but did not teach me logic.

So I am not sure what is going on with me. and sometimes writing it out helps me organise my thoughts. But i feel strange. not myself. I have no desire for pretty much anything. well thats not really true. I feel great while i am working out, once the endorphins get flowing. but I have a lack of interest in most everything else. I

Taking care of me

I have been doing it. running. well I walk /jog but it feels great! I did 6 1/2 miles last week and hope to get in 10 this week. It would be nice if the weight would come off fast so i can keep my motivation and see results soon, but I am not counting on it. I am trying to injoy that fact that it still feels good and I feel happy while I am doing it. I feel good because I am making a real effort to take care of myself physicaly and spiritually. trying to get exersize and eat well/ stay hydrated and figure out why I am so tired all the time. plus I am studying the gospel, reading the scriptures and praying on a regular basis. It feels good, and I am enjoying myself.

I DID IT!!!!!! I went and walked/ran around liberty park. I did three miles! It felt SO good. I put Natalie and kelle in the stroller, I wish I had a running stroller but I do not so mine was sufficient.

Oh how I want to lose weight..... It is one of those things I want so bad but can't seem get past my own mind and make it happen.