Today I feel so discuraged. my only hope is that tomorrow is better. At least I am discuraged about my own lacking then my kids or something I cannot control. I just feel like once in a great while I do something really right and the rest of the time I do everything wrong or can't do it the way I want to. like making bread. I did it and it could have been great...but it was not. I over did it. I also managed to over cook cookies made from frozen cookie dough. I was on top of the laundry, I had a system down for like a week, then I got sick and now I can't get it the way I want it again and I don't know why. and my parenting. I think nothing induces guilt like parenting. I wonder if it is that way with everyone or just me. I feel really bad that I spank my kids. not because I think they should get away with inapropriate behavior, but because if I take the time and carefuly navigate the tantrums without spanking it is so much better, but I get overwhelmed, caught up in the chaos, upset, at a loss of what to do and I feel so bad. I remember very clearly the thoughts and feelings I had towards my parents when i was spanked. they were deffinatly not loving, and I did not feel they loved me then either. I don't want to be like them. I will be the first to say that it made me afraid, but did not teach me logic.

So I am not sure what is going on with me. and sometimes writing it out helps me organise my thoughts. But i feel strange. not myself. I have no desire for pretty much anything. well thats not really true. I feel great while i am working out, once the endorphins get flowing. but I have a lack of interest in most everything else. I

Taking care of me

I have been doing it. running. well I walk /jog but it feels great! I did 6 1/2 miles last week and hope to get in 10 this week. It would be nice if the weight would come off fast so i can keep my motivation and see results soon, but I am not counting on it. I am trying to injoy that fact that it still feels good and I feel happy while I am doing it. I feel good because I am making a real effort to take care of myself physicaly and spiritually. trying to get exersize and eat well/ stay hydrated and figure out why I am so tired all the time. plus I am studying the gospel, reading the scriptures and praying on a regular basis. It feels good, and I am enjoying myself.

I DID IT!!!!!! I went and walked/ran around liberty park. I did three miles! It felt SO good. I put Natalie and kelle in the stroller, I wish I had a running stroller but I do not so mine was sufficient.

Oh how I want to lose weight..... It is one of those things I want so bad but can't seem get past my own mind and make it happen.

Lily Loves school! I am so glad she is going. Her teacher tells me she is a natural born leader. Mikelle has attempted the potty a few times and then deserts it till she is ready to try again, days or weeks later. Natalie is getting so big I can't believe it. she has out grown all of her clothes. she smiles, laughes and coes at me alot.

Its hard not getting enough sleep. its hard on everyone in the family. My kids esp this past week. I am so tired I forget things that are really important to them. I never wanted to do that. I also lose my temper way too fast, and they don't understand why. I cry alot and that makes them cry when they see me crying. Nat is has colic and every night till after midnight. now to make things even worse for her she has a cold. she can't breath through her nose. It worries me so much. So even when she is sleeping I am checking on her constatntly. I don;t feel like myself latly. I feel liek I am moving in extreem slow motion. and I feel........uhg about everything because it takes too much energy. I am not eating very well because well who has time? but also because most good things make natalie throw up or have gas. I would bottle feed if she would take it. but she wont.

I love good days!

Another good day. Natalie slept for 9 hours last night! we all had naps, spent some time with my hubby, not too much fighting or complaining from my kids, and they went to bed without a fight..............the only sad thing is that the older two are sick abd feverish. but its made them sleepy and cuddly so as long as they get better, i have no complaints. ahhhh. i love good days.