All or nothing

Right now I feel like I need all or nothin. basicly in referance to my spiritual life, my marriage, my children and my parenting, and those all flow together so much that they are virtually impossible to separate. For example, I feel a need to be closer to the spirit. but just increasing my thoughts about spiritual things will not suffice. I need to be completly imersed. I think it is this way all the time. or should be, but that just means that if I let one thing slip I let it all slip and I then fall into the "nothin" catagory. I don' t like this about myself, because it also means that if I need to make changes or improvments I get overwhelmed very easily and then I quit. I think I am just a very weak soul with little self restriant or control. I resist control a lot. that would be a large understatement if you were to ask my parents. never the less it is true, I also really like the freedom to be spontaneuos. I am not a schedual orianted person. well mostly not so much when it is someone elses schedual. I like to be in control of my own spontanuity. problem with that is I have to deal with other peoples scheduals and they don't usually read my mind very well, so they are always off from my non-schedualed spontanious schedual. (grin)This creates a lot of frustration for me. there are three things I have found so far about parenting that are HUGE frustrations to me.
sleeping......and not sleeping. Did you know if a child does not want to sleep, there is really no way to force them to? I know it seems like there must be a way, but theres not. oh there is always the little sneaky things people do like giving the kid a dose of benidril (cough couch...they have a spider bite that is as big as their head), it will make them sleepy mostly likely. but...if they are my kid chances are they are sleepy already. they are just more stubern the sleepy. and no matter how sleepy they get, they can always get more stubbern. Where there's a will theres a way. Just trust me on that one. I may or may not have tryed it. and once you finaly knock em out, they still get you by not allowing you to sleep, no matter how tired you are. yup thats my little sweeties!
eating.......oh there are many frustrations with that one. almost too many to count. It is not limited to eating or not eating enough. it includes, where we put our food, in our mouth or on the floor. if we swallow it after we chew it or if we just chew it and spit it out on the floor. if we can keep it down once we swallow it, what we eat when we eat, and drink, what we use to eat and drink our food, who is feeding them, and what they are giving them. I just realised I included myself in those issues, but I assure you I have no problems with my eating habbits. however Lily would tell you another story. she does not like me to eat things she does not want herself. I know weird.
Potty training........I have to say that I have been really blessed with this one with lily so far. she is basicly potty trained. so it is not frustrating to me for the typical reasons. it is frustrating to me because that is one thing, that if you are going to teach a kid to do it, you have to be patiant, you have to be schedualed and you have to be right there on top of it. I am not schedualed and the thing that frustrates me about it is that sometimes and about half the times that she has an accident, it is my fault. that makes me frustrated with myself. I do tell her I am sorry that I did not get there intime, or appologise for what ever it was, and I am really trying to be extremely patient, so she does not see my frustration. SHe does a good job. Still very frustrating to me.
the spiritual part of the all or nothing feeling is this. I don't feel the spirit easily unless I am complelty immerssed in the gospel. Attening the temple, studying the gospel on my own daily for a good hour or more, it takes me that long to understand and feel like I have made connections, going to church, surrounding myself with it constantly. The only time I have had the time to do all of that was when I was only working and preparing for a mission, or on my mission. I still have to do all the other things too.
I'm getting the idea that I hold myself to too high of an expectation. But here is the tricky thing about it. I don't feel happy when I only do a little. or some. I do feel happy when I succesfully do all of it. oh that feeling of control and accomplishment is so.....uephoric(sp). the times when everything is done, I have done all the things I need/want to do, have been pure joy. I know the whole bit about how we are not perfect, and so we are continually working......but those two times where I was really doing it all, or doing everything I should be,man the other things I needed to work on, because there still were plenty, seemed so much more managable. and I could increase my effort still, and did. But why not now? Now it seems like I never do all the things I need to and just adding more effort is overwhelming.

I am decluttering, or trying to. I got about half the toys gone, fridge mostly cleaned OFF, and am attacking the closets next. they are scary! so I will let you know if I have stuff to give away. I really just want to go through my house and start chucking stuff but if i do that without care I will end up chucking really important things that will have to be replaced or cannot be replaced. But i really want to get ride of all our junk. we have SO much of it. reduce, re-use, recycle. but mostly reduce!

I am so unmotivated, indecisive, tired, worn out, sleepy. A few weeks ago I was gettin crap done. I was weeding in the garden everyday, doing yard work alone with both kids out there with me, and even though there were a few days that I did not want to do it, I forced myself and once I got out there and got working I was in a grrove and would just go and go. fast forward to last week sometime. I all teh sudden lost all drive to do anything, I am so tired all day that I could sleep at any moment givin the chance, and I have everyday for over a week. at at not good times. Not just when the girls are both asleep. I can't seem to get the drive to go take the laundry down stairs and get it started let alone get out side and DO stuff. granted till today it has been rainy. but even today i went out there and the smallest amount of weeds were overwhelming and depressing. Why pull them they will kist come back. uhg. and i cannot shake this sleepiness, and overall my body is tired and has no energy, no matter how much i sleep or what i eat. grrr.

our hike with Phannie up millcreek

pictures of our gardening and out door adventures....

Mine and haleeys first garden.




this is how we inetertianed them while we worked.

sharing...

Devin and Lily playing while I weeded the garden....she is drawing him.

and this was just plain cute. What a girl!

my camrea for some reason does not write some pictures to the card all the way and it always seems to be the cutest ones! I am so bummed. oh well this is what we got. I will add more.

a most wonderful day! I had and still have a TON of house work to do, along with yard work. but today I put it all on hold and went for some much needed and long over due time in the great out doors. We (the girls and I) went and picked up my friend Steph. She took us up Millcreek canyon. It was beautiful. perfect temp, a little breeze plenty of shade and wide open space. oh and the un-expected treat was lots and lots of dogs. The girls had a hay day seeign all the dogs not on leashes and had to pet every single one. Lily is still talking aboutthe mountain and all the dogs. we just walked as long as lily was good, and once she was acting a little tired turned around and came down. We stoped for a sack lunch at a picnic spot, and in general just had a nice walk. I wonder now how far we went. but I have no idea. we started up the canyon just before 11:00am and reached the car to go home about 1:00pm. Did I mention it was perfect? well it was. I recomend the mountains to everyone, you need it. the air is clear, the sight is one to behold, and you will find yourself smiling. So go take to the hills everyone! you wont regret it!
when we left both girls were sleepy and were out cold by the time we were home. so i layed them both down, and had a good nap myself . One of the nice things about my nap was I did not fall asleep right away, but only after laying in my bed with the window at teh head of my bed open with a little bit of sun shining in as a nice spring breeze blew in on me. I layed there and listen to the birds on the trees sing, and a plane some where far above fly over, and some kids in the area playing, that is what I fell asleep to. It was perfect. the phone did not ring, no one woke up crying, and I slept for two hours. when I woke up, the house was quite, the girls were still sleeping (they were worn out) and I called a few of my sisters and told them about it. once again i need to post the pictures, but I left my camera out in the car and I am too itred to go get it. but I do haev evidence we had the perfect day. I'll show you all later. I am so thankful for this beautiful Earth we live on and I want to find more oppertunities to enjoy it. Heres to the perfect day!

ramblings of Tali's quiet time.....

life.....
I have been gardening. well at my house it is actually just pulling weeds and grass front he huge flower bed out front It was covered in two foot long grass. I started last week or the week before right after we had a few days in a row of rain, it was easy...well the weeds came out easy, it is not easy how ever on my back arms or hands (I do wear gloves) and it is any but easy to do that task while keeping track of my two children and continuously stopping kelle from running in the street. I am now about two thirds of the way done. it is a lot of work with very little of any reward. No one is going to thank me, when it is all done you wont have any idea how much was there to see that it was a huge job, and.....it will all grow back again. and don't forget the 100 year old roses that also live in that flower bed. those Lady's are mean! I surprised at my fear of the Little creatures that might be living in the dirt. I grew up with those little creatures. but it has been so many years since I have spent allot of time in the dirt that i guess I gained a fear of it. at first I was so afraid I would meet a spider, or a snake. the grass is just like the grass I use to play in, that was a common place for rattle snakes, garden snakes and bull snakes to hide. Or if i would find black widows or some other huge ugly spider.and with each hand full of weeds that came out I wondered if it would be my dreaded last. because if i did see one of those things, or some other creepy crawly thing. I know I would most likely not be hurt, but would leave the area at once, never to return. and the job would not get finished. but I have found that the more I do it, the less i fear, till i am right down there in the dirt with the creepy crawlies in sight, and then all at once i remember my fear, or at least wonder about that last fated handful, that could be right around the corner. so i stop, clean up my mess and go inside. but, i am happy to say that i keep going back, later either that evening or the next day. If I did not it would not get done. and slowly but surely it is.
In other garden news, My sister Halley and I have started a garden.. we made rows, tilled the soil, mulched it with fertilized soil and planted, tomatoes (two kinds of cherry, and one big boy) cucumbers, squash, zukkini, basil and cilantro. we used starts that My sister Amy planted from seed. Our garden is at Halleys house, in hopes that since we are sharing it, it will get the care it needs, our kids can play together while we work (or fight if you know our kids) and we will enjoy the fruit of our labors together too. we shall see. it is both of our first garden. My girls have given me a few good moments while we have been out side working in the garden. Kelle LOVES the dirt. and Lily loves to play out side and sing to her self but ideally loves to play with the neighbors if they are out. I few times I have caught her sneaking off while I have my back turned, to go see if they can play. she is such a social girl. and every man that looks older then me that walks by they start creaming grandpa or papa and want then to stop and play. I feel so bad for these strangers because many are not much older then me. I showed Lily the Roley poly bugs, you know the ones that roll up into a ball. well she loves them. she keeps telling me "mommy, find me a Poly poly, please!" I love to hear her say it. It is so stinking cute!
I am so happy that may is finally here. May and October are my favorite Utah months. its perfect weather, the world still looks pretty and colorful, and people are out and about. oh and its not to hot for living. come June and it will officially be too hot for living. That is my way of saying it is so hot I wish I were dead. I hate the heat. It makes me grumpy and tired ,head achy and anti social, because I stay inside to avoid it.
All this work that is not the typical house work,has made me almost miss working. I just miss the variety of tasks. And the growth I experienced. I also miss earning money. well gardening is hard work and I wish I could get paid to pull my weeds. Now that would be so worth it. Speaking of money I need some. I need to either do more massage, and or get some work I can do at home with my girls. Like child care. So if anyone knows of someone close to the down town area who has one or two young kids they would like to pay someone to play with. send them my way. They can come play in the dirt with us.
On another note, Lily will have a birthday this month and I think we are just going to do a small family thing. like just our family and let her invite three cousins or friends over to play. other people do huge things every year and I just can't do it. one, I don't want her to expect it, two, can;t afford it, and three, it is so much work on my part and she wont even remember it. but cannot believe she is growing up So fast. she is officially potty trained. like she has been dry all night for like three weeks. and she had one accident in the past two weeks. It happened so fast. I am really proud of her. but she has recently taken a turn for the worse in the bed time and sleeping department. If she does not have a nap she is a mess all day and nothing an stop it but sleep. but that sleep is at 4pm, and if she sleeps then, she will be up till 2 am. and I can't deal with her screaming and crying, and hitting a spitting all day. So i give her a nap, but she wont go to sleep. she will fight it for hours, till its too late and if she goes to sleep then she will be up till 12am. it is very frustrating to me. Made worse by the fact that kelle is opposite, and she will pull me into her room and say reach as she is reaching for her crib, because she wants to take a nap. then i lay her down and walk away and she is asleep before I close the door. and she sleeps through the night.lily still does not. It is driving me crazy! Mikelle is growing up so fast too. she talks really well. and she has the funniest little teasing personality. she loves to give real big hugs. where she will wrap her arms all the way around my neck and squeeze. and hold it for a second. they are the best! i love to watch her and lily play. Lily is really into pretending right now. So she loves to pretend that she is a dog, or that kelle is her dog, and she will walk her and give doggy kisses (lick your face) and pant and bark. and kelle just goes along with it, witch ever one she is assigned to play, weather its the dog or the owner. Lily is a very strict dog owner. she is always telling her dog to "sit", "stay" "come here", "lay down" she even says it in her best commanding voice. they both loves small to medium size dogs. kelle will go crazy if she See's a "puppy". and she does not know why they run from her. they both are really afraid of bigger dogs or hyper dogs. well I have wasted my share of time quiet time. girlie's are waken. It is off to work I go. If you actually finished reading this, your a good person. it is long and rambled. and you will be an even better person if you help me find some work I can do for money from home. See ya later all! oh and check back for pictures, they are coming soon.