random poems I wrote 5 years ago.

March 2003 (I just found this on an old pay stub of mine dated 03-28-2003, I use to write a lot of poetry, I would have to write it down as soon as it came to me or it would be lost. then I would put that papaer some place to be filed later and lose it. thats all the explanation there is for this. I have no idea what its about spacificly.)

Pain behind the eyes, a smile I fake.
Hiding behind a mask I make.
Holding back from letting go.
Hidding Pain and you don't know.

April 2003

Silent prayer like falling snow
settles in a waiting heart.

All is still , "Conform thy will, to God the Father and His Son."

This one was on a letter to a dear friend on his mission, whom I have since lost contact and connection with. I was trying to go on my mission and really working hard to be in tune with the spirit of God, and have faith that the things that were happening were for a purpose. that was a time in my life that it seemed like everytime I took one step forward, it was two steps back.

Things I love and or make me happy!

1. when lily randomly kisses me and says..I got you!
2. How mikelle sings her self to sleep by repeating the same note over and over again.
3. when Devin teases me.
4. the kindness of a perfect stranger the other day at the bread store.
5. The People who answered my prayer. (you know who you are.)
6. strangers who seem not the type but who quickly humble me with thier kindness and humility.I know thats almost the same as 4. but its not. It seems to happen to me a lot. I will be some place and the tired, old, often dirty and homeless person will help me lift, bend, or find things, and not accept anything in return. I love those people!
7. summer nights after the sun has set but its still light out side and its cool enough that I actaully injoy being outside.
8. cold seedless watermelon.
9. real mail. not adds but a real letter.
10. going to the temple.

wednesday.....

This is part of a conversation with Devin on messanger, but after reading it I felt like it was very discriptive of how I feel today. and I don't have much else to talk about.
"just so you know, because if i have to deal with it you have to listen. or something like that. i am so tired, i feel like i just had a baby, my head hurts, i am fighting off the urge to be totally pist off because of it, at everyone. did i mention my head hurts? lily must feel the same as me because she is tearing the house apart, and throwing a fit, pretty much non stop. also i am covered in throw up and all its puky glory. mikelle has puked A TON today for some reason, and she is so fussy. well she actually just fell asleep. but wont let me put her down. so i have not even cleaned the last throw up mess off of me because she fell asleep and I don't want to wake her up. Yup, thats right I am letting it dry on my arm. and The house looks like a tornato hit,BUT...................even after all that. I am so thankful to have our girls and be their mom."

All things Hall

well, we have been keepin busy. Lil just turned 2! she seems so big to us, but everyone else thinks she is small. Well size wise she is. but she is so big in many other areas! She is nicer to her sister now. witch is good. she loves for kelle to sit on her tummy and play.
Kelle is rolling and almost sitting, she needs just a little assistance. She is 5 months. She loves to laugh at lily. Only her sister can make her laugh so hard. It is adorable.
Devin is plugging away at work. then comes home and plays with the girls. they sure love thier daddy.
we just had a small birthday party for lily. played in the pool and sugared the kids up. It was fun. I had fun too! I was worried that I would not be able to have fun with lily on at her party but we had a good time. I have not been doing much other then mommy jobs. I have found that lily does SO much better if I forget the house work and church work, yard work, laundry etc...and focus strictly on giving her and mikelle my attention. she is so much better behaved. If I try to get her playing by herself and then try to get that stuff done, she is mean to the baby, and in general acts out way more. so I have been spending all my time playing with blocks, reading books, and playing dress up, having tummy time and dancing with my girls. I LOVE TO DANCE WITH LILY! we turn on the radio and we get movin. It's great fun! I would post picutres or video but if she see's the camera she stops and wants to hold it,and I don't think you all want to see me dancing, or more importantly I don't want you all to see me dancing. Its all baby moves, stompin feet, clapping hands, twisting my waist and then shaking my booty. you would have a good laugh. but sorry not gonna happen. during this last general confrence elder ballard said something that has really stayed at the forefront of my mind..." I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life." he later went on to quote another auther who wrote about that very thing...she said "I wish i had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing...i wish i had treasured the doing i little more and the getting it done a little less."( anna quindlen) so that is what i have been trying to do.

on and on and on...by me.

I think I don't really believe that people other then a few direct family members read my blog. So I write like I am talking to those few people. then I read it knowing that anyone can read it and its just all sort of strange. Any way. If you don't know me and you still find this interesting to read. you are weird. I just go on and on about the things in my head and I would think that someone who did not know me would realy be bored.
Any who, both of my kids are taking long naps and I was thinking I would go get some stuff done like fold the laundry or somehting else that I can't do when they are awake. but this feels better. Lets see..Kelle is getting so big! she smiles and laughs and can sit up from a laying down position just by using her abdominal muscles if you hold her legs down. I can't believe we will celebrate lil's 2nd birthday! she is growing up so fast! At the same time I some times forget that she is only two. I expect so much out of her or at least something other then two year old behavior. ITs not fair to her and I have to remind myself all the time. but she acts so big. she has started to use sentences and describe emotions. She'll tell me..."mommy I'm sad". its so cute! and such a big girl thing. Devin is back to his regular shift for a while. I think I like this better. I love having him here during the day, but I like him home at night better. he gets more sleep=is much happier=everyone is happier.
I have been so worried latly about the future of our economy and our government,what it means for my family. I woke up the other morning feling anxious and I actually had the thought.."I wonder where we will all be this time next year." with gas prices going up 5 cents every 3 to 5 days and food prices skyrocketing, I can't help but worry. I fear there will be a truckers strike because they can't afford the fuel and we will all be in bad shape. I worry so much about that stuff that it becomes real to me almost as if its already happend.
Am I the only one who worries about it that much? Or does everyone feel like me?

ahh the many things that clutter my mind.

I have been absent from my blogging for a long time. I think like what a month? well the whole sergury thing got me down and then you have recovery and then you have a two year old and a baby and a house and a husbend who's been doing the jobs of both of us for about 8 weeks, and church and then you find in there some how, time to bless the baby and feed 70 people, and then your just plain old tired. and at that point blogging wuld be really nice to do because it would mean I had a minute to my self, but when that minute comes so does exaustion and then hopefuly some sleep. but I have healed mostly now, the blessing when really well, and was so beautiful I really felt the spirit that day and had been needing to so badly. Mikelle was just beautiful in her dress that mandie made for her. and dispite how much she disagrees, she is SO talented! well mikelle is waking up from her nap, and right on que lily started crying and is now waking up. and devin is not waking up so I have to end this. I had really hoped to get some stuff that had been on my mind out. but oh well. for now this will be it.

Its been a while... I have some thoughts to share.

I have not been posting or really checking e mails or anything for a while. Lack of sleep is to blame. But that is not what I want to post about because today I am trying to be possitive and active, I think if I am I will get more done, and I will feel better. I was talking with a friend and she was saying she feels like she does not belong. All her friends are married and have about two kids, she is in a relationship going on five years, that most likely wont progress to marriage. And she wants to get married and have kids, and do the things others her age are doing. I was tinking about the whole age thing. It seems strange to me that people my age are so worried about getting married and having kids soon because they feel like they are getting old. I'll only be 27 this year. but what I realized was no matter if it haapens at 25 or 35, once you get married there will still be challanges to over come and things you want. like children, and once you have children there will still be cfhallanges and things to over come, like getting a house. and once you do that another or maybe its other things for other people, like a job or an education or those same things but for your children. there will always be progress to be made and things to work towards. there is no end all. we have to continue to work (on achieving goals) all the days of our lives. I know its esey for me to say because I got an education, went on a mission, I got married, I have a house and I have two children(and when I say that it sounds like I have been so busy, and I have done a lot.) But that does not mean there are not other things that I want to do. I want to eventually work again, do massage part time. I want to go back to school. I want my husbend to get an education, I want to learn spanish, serve another mission, and do so many more things. So its not like I have everything, and now there is nothing more for me to do. I think a lot of my friends my age who are single think that. But its not true, we are just working on different things.