giult hormones and complaining.

I know I am a hormonal mess. As my friend Jen pointed out I have hormones up to my eye balls, and over flowing actually. But......
It is not good. not good at all. how do I control them so i dont complain all the time? if I am not complaining out laud I am in my head. and that is followed by guilt that I don't love or rather can't stand anything about my day. then I realize I am complaining about everything including taking care of my family and having thoughts that all I really want is to go away. FAR away from everyone who needs me. And then my family thinks and feels like it is their fault I am unhappy. and that makes me feel worse. I try. I try to love changing poopy diapers, breaking up fights and being puked on 24 hours a day. but it does not work. I read back in my blog, same thing with after kelle was born. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that I don't love them, that I never had time for them even though I was right there and that I could not stand them. but how will they avoid thinking that way if that is the way I act? It is a struggle to control my emotions/hormones and not just be bottling them up.
Someone told me you cry so much after you have a baby because thats how you get rid of the hormones. so cry a lot! they were teasing. but seriously............

W.O.R.S.T= wherry over riotouse stubbern toddlers

my kids are alive, and that is a major accomplishment for today. yes its only 1:00pm.

by 8:00 am devin was telling me they were on one.

9:00am I had fed them, spanked each of the older girls who refused to listen and stop fighting.

10:00am, lily had peed her pants, made a mess all over the couch and the baby with baby powder, right in front of me while my hands were full and I was telling her to stop, mikelle ad carefully dripped the contents of her sippy cup of milk all over the front of the tv, lily had dumped her cup of milk out on the floor after dipping her barbie in it, and then proclaiming it was bad.

11:00 am we were supposed to go to raging water but that privilege was taken away, kelle had one diarrhea diaper, and lily ripped the shade off the back kitchen door.

12:00pm I had washed one load of laundry, kelle sat on the potty because she wanted to for 10 min, then while I was changing the laundry she stood up and peed on the floor and pooped on it too. did I mention she has the runs? It was all over her and the floor and the potty and the wall because it was on her leg and she wiped it off, then wiped it on the wall. changed natalies outfit and put her back to sleep more times then I can count on one hand because her sisters would not leave her alone.

1:00om bathed kelle changed nat, lily peed her pants again, put nat to sleep AGAIN, kelle got into my make up and got mascara all over herself and the floor, shipped lily off with amy who brought me her carpet cleaner and put kelle to sleep.

Natalie Dawn Hall

I find it hard to write when I know that no one is reading. Or at least I think I know that. but i need to.

Natalie Dawn Hall was born on june 30th! Yay! I am not pregnant anymore! And I have the sweetest most beautiful baby. She is 8 hours old in this picture. Oh I just love her so dearly! She was 7 lbs 11oz, and 19 1/2 in long at birth.

The surgery went well. I hated it of corse but the most horrible part was about half as long as it was the other two times. Dr Robinson had her collegue helping her, Dr Cannon. That made it go quicker. One funny thing that helped me was that they chatted the whole time back and forth with each other liek they were having lunch together. about their kids and their collegues and so forth. It acutally helped me to have something else unrelated to what was going on to focus on. they are really good at what they do, so its like a piece of cake to them. It was comferting to me. I am sure it would have bothered some people. But I am greatful for it. Recovery is going, and that is about all I can say. It sucks. Its so hard for me to not be able to DO anything. but I can feel myself getting better. I can lay down on my side on my bed. that is a huge improvement. I could not do that for about 8 days after. I can also carry Natalie in her car seat. stairs are hard, well just going up. down is no problem. My feet have been really swollen till today. they have now started to go back down. So far nursing has been a breez. natalie latched on perfectly the first time. we had one rough day in the hospital because my milk had not come in and she was so hungry she could not sleep. but we used formula and she did fine with that too.
now we are home. Natalie is 11 days old. She just gets sweeter! Lily and Mikelle LOVE her. Lily is pretty tender with her, always wanting to hold her and when she crys she will tell her "its ok natalie, lily is here, don't cry." Mikelle Loves to hold her too. She wants to play with her so bad and she sings to her too. Kelle still has a hard time being soft. but it is not because she is being mean, its more that she does not know her own strength. I thought Mikelle would be jelouse, but she is not.

Motherhood of three is difficult to say the least. I am sure i will find my rut some day. but not till i learn and grow a bit more in the multi-tasking department. So far Devin has been home on PTO since she was born. He goes back to work on monday though and that will be an adjustment. I am scared. we will see what happens, I am sure my day will be full of all kinds of exciting things, most of witch invalving messes. I had hoped to get the house clean befor then, but it looks like that will not happen.

well that is my post. thats not what I had planned on it sounding like. but that is what came out. I am drained, can't really think stright. maybe in a few weeks I will return and try again.

If I hear it again I might explode!

If I hear how huge I am, how big my belly is, that it has droped, and I am going to have her early, asked if I am having twins, am told I look miserable, or horrible, or that I should just keepi telling my self i look great, or how bout this one, "we could just roll you down the street", or any other of the stupid, inconsiderate, mean things people think they can say because they notice I am pregnant, I might do one of two things....either punch the person in the face, or do something really strange like, intentionally pee my pants, fake that i am in labor and request that they check my cervix for me. I am tired of being stared at every where I go. and its not just by people who don't know me. but that is bugging me too. Hey world! HAve you ever seen a pregnant lady befor? Of been taught that staring is rude? or that making comments about peoples size and weight is rude? no? well it is. and it is likely to get you a smack between the eyes from me. Here is the deal. I am not due for THREE more weeks. If I were waiting to go into spontaneous labor I could have 5 weeks left, so I would get bigger. big deal! I am actually smaller this time then the other two. No my belly has not droped. the ligaments in the wall of my abdomin are permanently stretched out. ruined, shot, what ever you want to call it. My baby is getting bigger, and there is nothing there to do the job of holding her up. so my belly sags. and sags more each day as she gets bigger. The "droping" that everyone thinks has happened has not. she is head down but not engaged. So here is my question. Why is it that people think because its a baby in there, they can say, in a tone of shock, "oh my gosh you are huge!" ? and that is soposed to not make me feel bad? I feel like saying "oh I didn't tell you I was pregnant?", or "oh my gosh so are you! you must have put on 50 pounds since I saw you last!" Well thats my vent.

So I am not sure anyone is reading this anymore. but what ever.
It turns out i know the secrets to the fire swamp....er I mean I know the secret to a perfect after noon.
1. don't ever get dressed. throw on a loose dress inside out with out and stay that way.
2. get lunch from the drive thru while still dressed in an inside out dress.
3. go home and let the kids make as big a mess as possible, put the two year old down for a nap when she is so tired she can't fight it.
4.trick the 4 year old into a nap my snuggling in your bed while telling stories, but only tell one story that goes on and on about nothing, in a really soft voice. when she complains about not wanting to take a nap just tell her she does not have to. she just has to listen to the story. slowly make the pauses in between the words longer and longer. HA! tricked her into falling asleep.
5. Fall asleep with her.
6.wake up hot, sweaty and thirsty.
7. take 15 min to get out of the bed so you don't wake the 4 year old.
8.get a drink.
9. take a cool shower.
10. drip dry under the fan, put inside out dress back on, and eat a popsicles in the silence.
Ahhhhhh! feels good.

pregnancy blah blah alah

I am not sure if I am being a big baby, a worry wart or what. here is the story. last friday I went to the park with a friend and the kids. kelle likes to run aroud free. Normally she will stay on the side walk, but will run way to far away for me to catch up to her fast. and the second i even head her direction she will book it even faster. she was just running on the grass one minute, I had my eye on her, as I am watching she is running towards the side walk, she passes the side walk and crosses it, gets to the street and does not stop running. So I have no other choice then to RUN after her. in hind sight, there were no cars coming, so she woul dhave been fine, but she was also nearing half a foot ball field away from me and towards a parking lot. so I ran after her as fast as I could......turns out that was not a good idea for my body. when i caugth up to her and stoped, it was not good. hope its not too graphic for anyone, but it felt like my pubic bone was going to fall out of my crotch. my belly hurt and I was really winded. my friend caught up to me and made the comment that there were no cars coming and running like that would make the next four weeks (thats about how many i have left) go by alot faster. well now it is wednesday, that was friday and I have been having 3-5 contractions a day. not the ones where all that happens is your belly gets hard. but the ones where I have to stop what I am doing, concentrate on relaxing, my belly hurts, gets square shaped and hard as a rock. Saw the Dr today and she said she is not concerned about it because they are not regular, I have no other signs of labor, ie blood, fluid, increased blodd pressure...etc, and they stop if I stop what i am doing relaxe, and put my feet up. if I have more then 5 in an hour then she would be concerned. so.....here is my question. How do you wash clothes clean a house, prepare food, discipline, chase, hold, dress, change a child, without getting up? the answere is, you don't. so I get to try to pick and choose when I am ok with having a contraction. Is this tempertantrum really that important that I pick up the two year old knowing that I will have a contraction? or should I let her sit here in the heat while we all suffer, waiting for it to finish? This is really strange to me. you see I never had a contraction that I felt befor. I could feel my belly was tight, but it was nothign that stoped me from any activities. So I don't know if i am being overly concerned or not. baby is still moving all around. and sometimes I think that even causes the contractions. her heart rate was perfect today. measuring right on the big side. no suprise. the other two were almost 9lbs and almost 8lbs. everything looks great. but I will be honest. I hate the contractions. really annoying that they interupt my life, are pointless because I am having a c section any way, and they don't feel good. I can't wait to have my body to my self. even if its only when I am in the shower that no one else is touching or moving it. CAN'T WAIT!

Words

please don't comment on this one. I just need to say it. ever have something so important to say and you just can't make the words come out? oh its torture. even if you don't say it, the thoughts are still in your head. but once you say something you can't un-say it and you can never truly know how it will be recieved or how it will effect you once you have said it. Words are so powerful!