I am tired. sleepy and general exaustion. I think i say that alot. but it is true. when I am tired I am grumpy or at least I sound that way to myself. especially when i write. so I will wrtie about somethings that I can't be grumpy about. in an attempt to sound not grumpy. because if i don't sound grumpy when I re read what I wrote then maybe I wont feel grumpy. never mind the fact that I should have been asleep two hours ago and i would not be so tired right now. But I feel like I don't get a good chance for some rejuvinating me time unless I stay up late enough that i get a few hours after my kids go to sleep. if I tryed to get that in the morning I would be up at 5:00 am and that does not just make me grumpy but actually makes me angry and is just bad all around. sorry about the digression from happy things before I even got started.
I have noticed how big Mikelle is. Holy! she is so grown up. she is as old as Lily was when Mikelle was born. and I am NOT even pregnant. Yay! I can't believe I was PG and then had a baby when Lily was only 20 monthes old. NEVER AGAIN! Mikelle is a really good listener. she follows directions pretty good too. well that is if she is fed and not tired and as a result is happy when you give the directions. She speaks so well. and can be so silly. Also I noticed she really looks like Lily did at 20 months.
Lily is also so grown up. I forget that she was mikelles age or what she was like at mikelles age. I guess I just think she has always been this grown up. she LOVEs school. every day I take her she is saying bye to me before I even open the car door, and she talks about her school all day. things are starting to stick from school. she knows that letters make sounds. not what sounds they make. It is funny she will say a word like "milk. milk starts with a p. it says duh duh." so its all mixed up but she is understanding that words start with letters, and letters make sounds. also she loves to do her "homework." she does not actually have home work. but she likes to pretend with a paper. and I have been making good use of the willingness by reinforcing what they learn about at school. she has also recently started to ask for me to tell her a story at bed time. so i make up my own versions of Little house on the prary stories, the names are all the same and the basic details but the events are made up by me.I usually try to teach her something from what happens in the story. like helping mommy. I know I am cunning aren't I? or being a good friend or sister. or what ever. I have to make up my own stories because they have to have an ending and it has to be dark in her room so I could not read the books any way. but this way I figure I can introduce her to Little house on the prary so when she is a little older I can read them with her and she will find them familiar. some times she will ask me during the day what did Mary do last night? I usually tell her that Mary when to bed just like Lily did. because often the story includes Mary and Laura and little Grace going to bed. And she asks me every night to tell her a story about Mary.
In church a while ago the stake president talked to us. I felt the desire to make it a goal to attent every meeting of stake conference that I am invited to, so all but the Priesthood meeting. I have only ever attended the Sunday meeting regularly and the adult session once. I hope I can do it. I always learn so much when i get to pay attention. I also am really excited for General conference this year. well i always am. I Love that I can listen to it on the radio while I clean. When i was little we had to go to the stake center an hour away and sit in hard chairs and watch it over satellite broadcast.
I am so happy that fall is coming. I love the cooler weather where the leaves start to change and fall off the tree. I love sweater weather!
there. do I sound grumpy? I hope not cause I did not write about the grumpy things but I do have long list of em.

I have been feeling really......misfit for the most part latly. I need a best friend. one who is not family. As dear to me as my sisters are (and I love that they are my friends), I want someone to have things in common with that did not grow up in the same house as me. Someone who will not look down at my scrounginess, a person who can relate to how I grew up, and understand who I am now because of it. Someone to learn from and with. Someone who's kids are not perfect so when we play together I am not self contoise about the fact that my kids are the only ones not siting there still as can be eatign their lunch quietly. I love those kids and I wish mine were like that but they are not and I can't make them be. and everytime I am around those type of kids I cannot enjoy myself because I feel bad. I know that what you see is not the whole picture. Any way, for w while now I have just wanted a friend who gets me. I can make friends by being friendly easily. but what I want is someone who I really feel a connection with. Another problem I often have is I meet someone who I fit with easily and we connect and then I don't know what to do after that. One of my major goals for this year was to make and keep a friend. When my sister lost her best friend, and i started to learn more about their relationship, it really made me want something like that. It has been years since I have had a close friend who is not related to me. maybe I have isolated myself with my sisters. I thought i made a best friend while serving my mission, but it turns out it was more one of those connections that stayed on the mission. So when we came back we basicly went our seprate ways. before that I would say a few roomates fit the catagory, but they all got married and it has been hard to maintian those relationships now.Either I have kids and they don't or our husbands don't mix or they moved far away, or something. My absolute best friends have actually been 2 guys. And those relationships eventually became different (because I got married) or ended for other reasons. I know that often people come into our lives when they are needed and then they go out of our lives when we move on. I get that. but where is that person for the stage I am in now? Ultimatly Devin is my best friend. But I feel like I need a woman friend......that is not three years old. I might have found one. but what do I do now? And what if she is not looking for a new best friend. It all sounds so Jr High-ish. But those are my real feelings.

I have a swollen lymph node. it hurts. and I can't decide if I should go to the Dr's or not. I have to go to girls camp in a little under one week. So part of me thinks I should go now and see if it is something that could prevent me from going or that I could get cleared up by then. but part of me thinks I should just wait it out a few more days and see if I can get it to go away with tea and garlic. The problem with that is, that if Iwait and it does not help then I end up needing to go to the Dr's on the week end...because we leave early early monday morning. and I could possibly get a had start on treating it if I go now. where if I go on saturday I wont. I don't know what to do. I wish someone else would just decide for me and tell me the out come of both now so I will know they made the right choice. so could ione of you do that for me? that would be great! I have had a mild fever I think. It was yesterday and it was so mild I did not bother to check it. I had a head ache at the same time and that is why i did not check it. I often get a real mild fever whrn I have a head ache. but then in reading on line about it. a swollen lymoh nope with a head ache and a fever are signs of enfection. that enfection can be any one of a number of things. it is the things that it could be that worry me. like strep. or other worse yucky things I don't want. I noticed the pain monday evening. so how long do I wait? I can't be sick next week. we already are short handed with girls camp.

Did you know....?

That when the out side temp hits 90 degrees or above that your patiance actually melts away? It is a proven fact. ok well maybe not yours but mine does.

All or nothing

Right now I feel like I need all or nothin. basicly in referance to my spiritual life, my marriage, my children and my parenting, and those all flow together so much that they are virtually impossible to separate. For example, I feel a need to be closer to the spirit. but just increasing my thoughts about spiritual things will not suffice. I need to be completly imersed. I think it is this way all the time. or should be, but that just means that if I let one thing slip I let it all slip and I then fall into the "nothin" catagory. I don' t like this about myself, because it also means that if I need to make changes or improvments I get overwhelmed very easily and then I quit. I think I am just a very weak soul with little self restriant or control. I resist control a lot. that would be a large understatement if you were to ask my parents. never the less it is true, I also really like the freedom to be spontaneuos. I am not a schedual orianted person. well mostly not so much when it is someone elses schedual. I like to be in control of my own spontanuity. problem with that is I have to deal with other peoples scheduals and they don't usually read my mind very well, so they are always off from my non-schedualed spontanious schedual. (grin)This creates a lot of frustration for me. there are three things I have found so far about parenting that are HUGE frustrations to me.
sleeping......and not sleeping. Did you know if a child does not want to sleep, there is really no way to force them to? I know it seems like there must be a way, but theres not. oh there is always the little sneaky things people do like giving the kid a dose of benidril (cough couch...they have a spider bite that is as big as their head), it will make them sleepy mostly likely. but...if they are my kid chances are they are sleepy already. they are just more stubern the sleepy. and no matter how sleepy they get, they can always get more stubbern. Where there's a will theres a way. Just trust me on that one. I may or may not have tryed it. and once you finaly knock em out, they still get you by not allowing you to sleep, no matter how tired you are. yup thats my little sweeties!
eating.......oh there are many frustrations with that one. almost too many to count. It is not limited to eating or not eating enough. it includes, where we put our food, in our mouth or on the floor. if we swallow it after we chew it or if we just chew it and spit it out on the floor. if we can keep it down once we swallow it, what we eat when we eat, and drink, what we use to eat and drink our food, who is feeding them, and what they are giving them. I just realised I included myself in those issues, but I assure you I have no problems with my eating habbits. however Lily would tell you another story. she does not like me to eat things she does not want herself. I know weird.
Potty training........I have to say that I have been really blessed with this one with lily so far. she is basicly potty trained. so it is not frustrating to me for the typical reasons. it is frustrating to me because that is one thing, that if you are going to teach a kid to do it, you have to be patiant, you have to be schedualed and you have to be right there on top of it. I am not schedualed and the thing that frustrates me about it is that sometimes and about half the times that she has an accident, it is my fault. that makes me frustrated with myself. I do tell her I am sorry that I did not get there intime, or appologise for what ever it was, and I am really trying to be extremely patient, so she does not see my frustration. SHe does a good job. Still very frustrating to me.
the spiritual part of the all or nothing feeling is this. I don't feel the spirit easily unless I am complelty immerssed in the gospel. Attening the temple, studying the gospel on my own daily for a good hour or more, it takes me that long to understand and feel like I have made connections, going to church, surrounding myself with it constantly. The only time I have had the time to do all of that was when I was only working and preparing for a mission, or on my mission. I still have to do all the other things too.
I'm getting the idea that I hold myself to too high of an expectation. But here is the tricky thing about it. I don't feel happy when I only do a little. or some. I do feel happy when I succesfully do all of it. oh that feeling of control and accomplishment is so.....uephoric(sp). the times when everything is done, I have done all the things I need/want to do, have been pure joy. I know the whole bit about how we are not perfect, and so we are continually working......but those two times where I was really doing it all, or doing everything I should be,man the other things I needed to work on, because there still were plenty, seemed so much more managable. and I could increase my effort still, and did. But why not now? Now it seems like I never do all the things I need to and just adding more effort is overwhelming.

I am decluttering, or trying to. I got about half the toys gone, fridge mostly cleaned OFF, and am attacking the closets next. they are scary! so I will let you know if I have stuff to give away. I really just want to go through my house and start chucking stuff but if i do that without care I will end up chucking really important things that will have to be replaced or cannot be replaced. But i really want to get ride of all our junk. we have SO much of it. reduce, re-use, recycle. but mostly reduce!

I am so unmotivated, indecisive, tired, worn out, sleepy. A few weeks ago I was gettin crap done. I was weeding in the garden everyday, doing yard work alone with both kids out there with me, and even though there were a few days that I did not want to do it, I forced myself and once I got out there and got working I was in a grrove and would just go and go. fast forward to last week sometime. I all teh sudden lost all drive to do anything, I am so tired all day that I could sleep at any moment givin the chance, and I have everyday for over a week. at at not good times. Not just when the girls are both asleep. I can't seem to get the drive to go take the laundry down stairs and get it started let alone get out side and DO stuff. granted till today it has been rainy. but even today i went out there and the smallest amount of weeds were overwhelming and depressing. Why pull them they will kist come back. uhg. and i cannot shake this sleepiness, and overall my body is tired and has no energy, no matter how much i sleep or what i eat. grrr.