I am writing again because....

Between two realities

A comfortable secure place
despite boiling turmoil
existed.

Denial.

Turmoil broke through replacing
My comfort with
darkness.

Drowning.

Anger, fear, anxiety, aggression
Bitter, pain, guilt
Shame.

Depression.


One Two Three Four
Five Six Seven
Eight.

Dark.

Years spent struggling with
That terrible dark
Reality.

Done.

   In every place I have lived that was not a rental, I have written on the walls at some point or another. Some times silly meaningless things and other times things I wanted to hide there for some unsuspecting person I imagined would find it later. Maybe it was a small motivational note, sometimes a confession, a poem or other times lyrics to songs I found meaning in. As a young girl it was on the Cow Shed with the chalk used on the milking cows udder, as a bit older it was on the inside of the dry wall in my room in Washington, then again as a bit older girl in my parents home in Salt Lake City, and again in Our first home we bought after we got married during the major kitchen overhaul, and now I am in a new home with an empty slate... What to write? where and when to write it? AH! So much pressure! not really. I am sure one day it will feel right. Just for now, please don't tell my kids! they seem to have already picked up on the habit and have not figured out how to do it inconspicuously. The only way to do it, is on the inside. They better not be taking my walls apart to do that! But if you know my Girls you probably know as well as I do its only a matter of time.
   I have written in a journal off and on, I use to really love that but now it takes more time to get into the zone and write freely then it does to just pick up my phone and write. I have oodles of lists and journal entries on my phone in the note pad.
   All my poetry that I wrote on paper years ago and kept is in a chest with a bunch of other important type papers. I "write" poems in my head all the time usually in the shower or driving and then they are gone by the time I can write.
I want to write poetry again. Or write it DOWN again.
   I am working on writing down my life story. It's unedited and not intended for public consumption. Mostly its my way of letting go of some things and processing others. As well as for my kids and husband to know everything I can remember about me, Maybe give them clues as to why I am the way I am and what my life was like, including the parts that don't involve them. They will get it when I have passed, and it will be up to them what they share and with whom.
   I always have words in my head. Always.
  

I FIXED IT!

I fixed it all by myself!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been missing my blog so bad and could not post and I fixed it. so there will be lots of updates and I doubt anyone reads tghis anymore, but if youe do i posted all the drafts I had writen and could not post.

Mothers day

well its that time of year again...........Mothers day. Honestly I use to dred it. as a child I felt sad that others were honering their mothers for always being there and I did not have that. Later I felt sad that some very near to me wanted to be a mother so badly and could not, and a bit later I was past my due date with my first child and wishing so badly that she would come out. Now I see that I am incredibly blessed to have many Mothers in my life who have been there for me, some of those who wanted to be a mothers and could not, now ARE mothers (my heart aches for those who desire that and still struggle) and I have had my third and final child. So I don't dred it any more, and I now see this time of year as a celebration of all women, who bless the lives of all around them and especially mine.

I do not wish to affend anyone, if I do please understand that this is my space to tell my story and you do not have to read it.

I believe that Motherhood is THE most Sacred calling. One that is both challanging and rewarding. I never knew befor just how much I would be stretched as a person when I had children, and not for a lack of being told. but it is true. These people who I have been gievn charge to care for, stretch me beyond the point that I think I can bare almost on a daily basis. I see what I can do in the eyes of my children. Being their mother is what makes me who I am. I wish to honor my children for making me a mother.

First, These are my thuoghts about my life, I am not judging yours. I have been thinking alot latly about what are things I do that are a weste of time and what are things I do that are not a waste, wrather are a worthy use of time, but maybe not if you look at what are other priorities. caring for my kids or listening to a freind. cleaning my house or giving attention to my children...that type of thing. not sure that makes sence. I saw a show about a lady who left her kids with her husband (eventually got devorced) to persue what she wanted because she felt it was more important and that she was being swallowed up in motherhood. she said she did not want to be a mother and wife any more....after 20 years. needless to say she has gotten ALOT of critisism about it. I say needless because she wrote a book and has saught publicity through interviews and I think no matter what you are doing if you do that people will have something to say about your choices, not to mention if it is something that people get all fired up about. my personal issues with that subject aside....It got me asking the question am I doing/ persuing what I want to? is the life I live the one I am chosing or chose. Or am I merly going along with it? and the answere to those questions are this. YES! I am actually doing what I always dreamed of and set goals along my life to help me achive that plan. is it hard, and I complain and some times I wonder what I was thinking. YES! The life I live is the one I CHOSE and CONTINUE to choose. and I don't do it blindly or because someone else told me to. I have studied it out extensivly and tryed my hardest to prepare for it. Do I still fall short? YUP! every single day. but like I just told lily who is learning about winning and losing. It is not the end that is the most important or even the best, its the game that matters, how you play that is what is important. I realized I would wrather lose myself or let me say that different, I would wrather become the service I am giving to others then create a master piece that is me. This applies to my family the most. I serve them because I love them. and when it comes to my kids, well I brought them into this world, I teach them and help them and will continue the rest of my life because I want to live my life so that they don't just hear, but see and feel that I love them. If they have nothing else in the world, they have a mother that loves them and will forever. I believe parents have a responsibility to the children they bring into this world.

Well the ward Christmas party was a success! or so everyone tells me. that is good to hear. we no longer have the calling and they still have not called us to something else. kind of nice and not at the same time. I like to have callings it gets me involved where other wise I would not be. and it get my family to church.

interview with lily

Thanks camilla and Mikki for the idea.

1. what do you like to be called. Jane, Lily.

2. what is your fav food. cheese burgers, hambergers, chicken nuggets. drink milk, fruit loops cereal.

3. fav thing to do. play my video game. its so great its so special. and my pillow pet, its a unicorn. its name is sally.

4. fav color pink and purple.

5. best friend, kodee, in my class at school. dacie, danica, and roxy are my fav cusins. best friend at church is aurora.