I DID IT!!!!!! I went and walked/ran around liberty park. I did three miles! It felt SO good. I put Natalie and kelle in the stroller, I wish I had a running stroller but I do not so mine was sufficient.

Oh how I want to lose weight..... It is one of those things I want so bad but can't seem get past my own mind and make it happen.

Lily Loves school! I am so glad she is going. Her teacher tells me she is a natural born leader. Mikelle has attempted the potty a few times and then deserts it till she is ready to try again, days or weeks later. Natalie is getting so big I can't believe it. she has out grown all of her clothes. she smiles, laughes and coes at me alot.

Its hard not getting enough sleep. its hard on everyone in the family. My kids esp this past week. I am so tired I forget things that are really important to them. I never wanted to do that. I also lose my temper way too fast, and they don't understand why. I cry alot and that makes them cry when they see me crying. Nat is has colic and every night till after midnight. now to make things even worse for her she has a cold. she can't breath through her nose. It worries me so much. So even when she is sleeping I am checking on her constatntly. I don;t feel like myself latly. I feel liek I am moving in extreem slow motion. and I feel........uhg about everything because it takes too much energy. I am not eating very well because well who has time? but also because most good things make natalie throw up or have gas. I would bottle feed if she would take it. but she wont.

I love good days!

Another good day. Natalie slept for 9 hours last night! we all had naps, spent some time with my hubby, not too much fighting or complaining from my kids, and they went to bed without a fight..............the only sad thing is that the older two are sick abd feverish. but its made them sleepy and cuddly so as long as they get better, i have no complaints. ahhhh. i love good days.

a good day..

I have to make this post so anyone who still reads this will know... i do still have good days, i do still love my children and i am not a horrible mother all the time. I got a full nights rest last night so I am sure that counts for a lot of this. but today i have kept my cool for the intire duration of what turned out to be a 45 min full blown tantrum from mikelle, while getting all three kids into the car, delivering stuff to halley, picking up another child dropping off the two at school, getting my remaining two children back in the car, going to mandies to hang out, then picking up Lily, grace and her sister Alyvia and brought them all to my house to play and made choc chip cookies and watched a movie. and it has been good. not too stressful and actually pretty fun. now to have dinner with Jen and amy's families and call it a day!

it actually makes me angry....

I have tried for two hours to get Mikelle back to sleep. you see she fell asleep in the car on the way to take lily to school and I have to sign lily in and out. so I had to wake kelle up and take all three of my kids in. Even though she was only sleeping for 5 minutes she wont go back to sleep. not if I rock her, sing to her, read to her, let her cry it out. NOTHING. after two hours of trying I think it is safe to say she is NOT going back to sleep. but here is the catch. I have to leave in 20 minutes to go get lily, and mikelle will probobly fall asleep in the car on the way there because she has worn herself out after two hours of fighting off falling asleep. Two reasons I want her to take a nap are #1 that is the only way i can get some time to clean my house, eat lunch, read my scriptures, not be touched and screamed at constantly. #2 if she does not have a nap, or has a five minute nap she is a crying naughty mess ALL day. and needs to go to sleep right at the time I need to be making dinner, and I can't let her go to sleep that early or she will be up at 4am the next day. or sleep for two hours and wake up thinking she had a nap and is ready to not sleep for 6 more hours, that is not an option at 8pm. the type and amount of frustration this creates in me quickly turns to anger. and to that anger I have NO out let!

giult hormones and complaining.

I know I am a hormonal mess. As my friend Jen pointed out I have hormones up to my eye balls, and over flowing actually. But......
It is not good. not good at all. how do I control them so i dont complain all the time? if I am not complaining out laud I am in my head. and that is followed by guilt that I don't love or rather can't stand anything about my day. then I realize I am complaining about everything including taking care of my family and having thoughts that all I really want is to go away. FAR away from everyone who needs me. And then my family thinks and feels like it is their fault I am unhappy. and that makes me feel worse. I try. I try to love changing poopy diapers, breaking up fights and being puked on 24 hours a day. but it does not work. I read back in my blog, same thing with after kelle was born. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that I don't love them, that I never had time for them even though I was right there and that I could not stand them. but how will they avoid thinking that way if that is the way I act? It is a struggle to control my emotions/hormones and not just be bottling them up.
Someone told me you cry so much after you have a baby because thats how you get rid of the hormones. so cry a lot! they were teasing. but seriously............