Lily Loves school! I am so glad she is going. Her teacher tells me she is a natural born leader. Mikelle has attempted the potty a few times and then deserts it till she is ready to try again, days or weeks later. Natalie is getting so big I can't believe it. she has out grown all of her clothes. she smiles, laughes and coes at me alot.

Its hard not getting enough sleep. its hard on everyone in the family. My kids esp this past week. I am so tired I forget things that are really important to them. I never wanted to do that. I also lose my temper way too fast, and they don't understand why. I cry alot and that makes them cry when they see me crying. Nat is has colic and every night till after midnight. now to make things even worse for her she has a cold. she can't breath through her nose. It worries me so much. So even when she is sleeping I am checking on her constatntly. I don;t feel like myself latly. I feel liek I am moving in extreem slow motion. and I feel........uhg about everything because it takes too much energy. I am not eating very well because well who has time? but also because most good things make natalie throw up or have gas. I would bottle feed if she would take it. but she wont.

I love good days!

Another good day. Natalie slept for 9 hours last night! we all had naps, spent some time with my hubby, not too much fighting or complaining from my kids, and they went to bed without a fight..............the only sad thing is that the older two are sick abd feverish. but its made them sleepy and cuddly so as long as they get better, i have no complaints. ahhhh. i love good days.

a good day..

I have to make this post so anyone who still reads this will know... i do still have good days, i do still love my children and i am not a horrible mother all the time. I got a full nights rest last night so I am sure that counts for a lot of this. but today i have kept my cool for the intire duration of what turned out to be a 45 min full blown tantrum from mikelle, while getting all three kids into the car, delivering stuff to halley, picking up another child dropping off the two at school, getting my remaining two children back in the car, going to mandies to hang out, then picking up Lily, grace and her sister Alyvia and brought them all to my house to play and made choc chip cookies and watched a movie. and it has been good. not too stressful and actually pretty fun. now to have dinner with Jen and amy's families and call it a day!

it actually makes me angry....

I have tried for two hours to get Mikelle back to sleep. you see she fell asleep in the car on the way to take lily to school and I have to sign lily in and out. so I had to wake kelle up and take all three of my kids in. Even though she was only sleeping for 5 minutes she wont go back to sleep. not if I rock her, sing to her, read to her, let her cry it out. NOTHING. after two hours of trying I think it is safe to say she is NOT going back to sleep. but here is the catch. I have to leave in 20 minutes to go get lily, and mikelle will probobly fall asleep in the car on the way there because she has worn herself out after two hours of fighting off falling asleep. Two reasons I want her to take a nap are #1 that is the only way i can get some time to clean my house, eat lunch, read my scriptures, not be touched and screamed at constantly. #2 if she does not have a nap, or has a five minute nap she is a crying naughty mess ALL day. and needs to go to sleep right at the time I need to be making dinner, and I can't let her go to sleep that early or she will be up at 4am the next day. or sleep for two hours and wake up thinking she had a nap and is ready to not sleep for 6 more hours, that is not an option at 8pm. the type and amount of frustration this creates in me quickly turns to anger. and to that anger I have NO out let!

giult hormones and complaining.

I know I am a hormonal mess. As my friend Jen pointed out I have hormones up to my eye balls, and over flowing actually. But......
It is not good. not good at all. how do I control them so i dont complain all the time? if I am not complaining out laud I am in my head. and that is followed by guilt that I don't love or rather can't stand anything about my day. then I realize I am complaining about everything including taking care of my family and having thoughts that all I really want is to go away. FAR away from everyone who needs me. And then my family thinks and feels like it is their fault I am unhappy. and that makes me feel worse. I try. I try to love changing poopy diapers, breaking up fights and being puked on 24 hours a day. but it does not work. I read back in my blog, same thing with after kelle was born. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that I don't love them, that I never had time for them even though I was right there and that I could not stand them. but how will they avoid thinking that way if that is the way I act? It is a struggle to control my emotions/hormones and not just be bottling them up.
Someone told me you cry so much after you have a baby because thats how you get rid of the hormones. so cry a lot! they were teasing. but seriously............

W.O.R.S.T= wherry over riotouse stubbern toddlers

my kids are alive, and that is a major accomplishment for today. yes its only 1:00pm.

by 8:00 am devin was telling me they were on one.

9:00am I had fed them, spanked each of the older girls who refused to listen and stop fighting.

10:00am, lily had peed her pants, made a mess all over the couch and the baby with baby powder, right in front of me while my hands were full and I was telling her to stop, mikelle ad carefully dripped the contents of her sippy cup of milk all over the front of the tv, lily had dumped her cup of milk out on the floor after dipping her barbie in it, and then proclaiming it was bad.

11:00 am we were supposed to go to raging water but that privilege was taken away, kelle had one diarrhea diaper, and lily ripped the shade off the back kitchen door.

12:00pm I had washed one load of laundry, kelle sat on the potty because she wanted to for 10 min, then while I was changing the laundry she stood up and peed on the floor and pooped on it too. did I mention she has the runs? It was all over her and the floor and the potty and the wall because it was on her leg and she wiped it off, then wiped it on the wall. changed natalies outfit and put her back to sleep more times then I can count on one hand because her sisters would not leave her alone.

1:00om bathed kelle changed nat, lily peed her pants again, put nat to sleep AGAIN, kelle got into my make up and got mascara all over herself and the floor, shipped lily off with amy who brought me her carpet cleaner and put kelle to sleep.

Natalie Dawn Hall

I find it hard to write when I know that no one is reading. Or at least I think I know that. but i need to.

Natalie Dawn Hall was born on june 30th! Yay! I am not pregnant anymore! And I have the sweetest most beautiful baby. She is 8 hours old in this picture. Oh I just love her so dearly! She was 7 lbs 11oz, and 19 1/2 in long at birth.

The surgery went well. I hated it of corse but the most horrible part was about half as long as it was the other two times. Dr Robinson had her collegue helping her, Dr Cannon. That made it go quicker. One funny thing that helped me was that they chatted the whole time back and forth with each other liek they were having lunch together. about their kids and their collegues and so forth. It acutally helped me to have something else unrelated to what was going on to focus on. they are really good at what they do, so its like a piece of cake to them. It was comferting to me. I am sure it would have bothered some people. But I am greatful for it. Recovery is going, and that is about all I can say. It sucks. Its so hard for me to not be able to DO anything. but I can feel myself getting better. I can lay down on my side on my bed. that is a huge improvement. I could not do that for about 8 days after. I can also carry Natalie in her car seat. stairs are hard, well just going up. down is no problem. My feet have been really swollen till today. they have now started to go back down. So far nursing has been a breez. natalie latched on perfectly the first time. we had one rough day in the hospital because my milk had not come in and she was so hungry she could not sleep. but we used formula and she did fine with that too.
now we are home. Natalie is 11 days old. She just gets sweeter! Lily and Mikelle LOVE her. Lily is pretty tender with her, always wanting to hold her and when she crys she will tell her "its ok natalie, lily is here, don't cry." Mikelle Loves to hold her too. She wants to play with her so bad and she sings to her too. Kelle still has a hard time being soft. but it is not because she is being mean, its more that she does not know her own strength. I thought Mikelle would be jelouse, but she is not.

Motherhood of three is difficult to say the least. I am sure i will find my rut some day. but not till i learn and grow a bit more in the multi-tasking department. So far Devin has been home on PTO since she was born. He goes back to work on monday though and that will be an adjustment. I am scared. we will see what happens, I am sure my day will be full of all kinds of exciting things, most of witch invalving messes. I had hoped to get the house clean befor then, but it looks like that will not happen.

well that is my post. thats not what I had planned on it sounding like. but that is what came out. I am drained, can't really think stright. maybe in a few weeks I will return and try again.